I've been so lonely, I could die

I am so fucking tired of this. Every day I get up, I go to work, I work my ass off just to come home and do homework. I have no money. I have no man. I have no real love or affection in my life and I just am starting to think what the fuck is the point? I have a student who is so dependent on my ever day for everything and she tells me today that she can't talk to me because she doesn't trust me as much as some other staff that she sees for an hour a day. Fuck that little bitch of a kid. Maybe that's not the PC thing to say, but this is an uncensored blog so get over it. that is how i feel right now. I invest a lot of myself into all my kids, but her especially and i feel like i got punched in the gut for that one and it's bull shit. Then I check my facebook and every one is god damned dying, all the time. It's getting to the point where if I hear someone call me by my whole name instead of a nickname or an abbreviation of my name I automatically think someone is dying or dead. How is this mentality fair for someone my age?
And fuck me, the loneliness. It's like my body aches for the loneliness. I miss KC and his endless affection, I knew how good I had it but I couldn't possibly have appreciated it enough when I still had it. not like I do now anyway and I just miss it so fucking much. I am so afraid that I will be like this forever. I know it isn't likely the case but it is just how i feel right now, no light at the end of a tunnel, just a scary, lonely, dark tunnel with twists and turns and potholes and work. I am tired all the time. I am starting to have very odd dreams, even dreams of people pity-proposing to me, and you know what I do? I accept. I accept a marriage proposal to someone I am not in love with because I am tired of being alone and I am scared no one is ever going to love me again. I miss being in love with someone who is here to love me back. That is what it boils down to, I guess. I miss being loved. And there is no end in sight.

back and forth

How do you know what to do, to make the right decision? When everything is wrong because the one you love is gone way too soon, a lot of questions seem to have no answer. I go back and forth in my head constantly and about so many different things; from the idea of dating again to what to eat for lunch. It is seemingly one of the more pervasive symptoms of grief, I haven't been able to get past this part yet, this unsure feeling that whatever the choice I am making is the wrong one. KC's birthday is coming up next week and I decided I was going to be with friends and go to opening weekend for the Giants. I will be surrounded with people I love in a sporting event, and I know it would be something KC would enjoy. But somehow I feel something in me that says I should just stay home and cry alone in my room. I'm nervous about it. The thing is, nothing that could happen could be worse than anything I have already survived so what am I nervous about? I will be with great friends in a fun place, but what if I have a panic attack? What if I can't stop crying? Well, who cares?! Being around my friends is a better idea than locking myself up and hiding from the world, so I am going to go despite my worries. If i cry, I cry. If I laugh, I won't let myself feel guilty. I am everything I am because KC loved me and he loved me because I love life, so I am determined to keep being the girl that KC loved. What better way to celebrate the most amazing man I ever knew? just hope it's the right choice, here i go again, back and forth....

Sometimes it sucks to be right

one of the first things I can remember saying after I heard that KC died was "it's never going to be ok."
I thought later, perhaps it was hyperbole.
Nope. I was right.

and tragedy strikes yet again

An old friend of mine, actually he and I dated before KC and I met, his little brother died yesterday. He was 19. His body was found under a large bridge in San Diego, and no one knows what happened. As soon as I heard this devastating news I was brought back to the feelings I had when KC was missing. I still don't know what was worse, the not knowing or the knowing. There is a lot that I will never know about what happened to KC, I don't know what his last words were, or his final thoughts. I don't know if he suffered much, or even exactly what happened to get him stuck. We will never know. Maybe that is for the best, but maybe not. wonder is a tough thing when it is something so powerful, so all encompassing. Before we found out that KC's equipment malfunctioned I envisioned the worst. I pictured him stuck, his tank caught and he was unable to free himself. I pictured him panicking, suffering and terrified. I know now that he didn't suffer long, and that brings me some peace but it doesn't take away the nightmares i had, and still have.
I can't believe that this is what my old friend's family is dealing with. I can't believe another family's lives are ruined and they don't even know what happened. It fucking breaks my heart in half. I can picture them, in the same place I was just over a year ago. I want to tell them it will be ok, but I can't. I want to tell them I know what they are feeling but I don't. I want to tell them he is in a better place but that is bullshit and they know it. I just want to hold Kev, be there for him, and let him see and feel my empathy, wordless and stuck in the knowing that this shit fucking sucks and no one and nothing can help, and somehow let all that help him. I want to bake cookies for the family and read them affirmations and guide them in meditation so they may quiet their minds for even a moment, and maybe feel a modicum of relief. But, I can't. And ultimately none of that will help. When tragedy strikes we have 1 choice and 1 choice only: die, or keep living without the one we lost. It's a shitty choice. It's so limited and limiting and your don't want to choose either one, but it is the choice with which we are left. I know Kev, though we haven't been close for some time, I know him. He will make the tough choice to keep going. I just wish I had learned something helpful through my loss, something that could help him or his family. I have wracked my brain all day to think of the right thing to tell him, but it isn't there. There can't be a right thing to say, because what happened is so wrong. There isn't a right answer when everything is wrong. So right now, all I can do is cry.

Can it happen again?

I am really wondering whether lightening can strike twice. I hate that I am so preoccupied with this. I have so much going on, work, school, a new niece, bills to pay, awesome friends to hang out with and make me happy. I am even currently on vacation in beautiful sunny Florida and all I can think about is boys. I think about KC most, but lately it has been a lot about how I will never get to be with him again. That breaks my heart every time the thought pops into my head, but more because I don't think I will ever fall in love again. I want it so badly, too. I loved being in love. I still love love, even though love hurt me worse than anything I coulda fucking imagined but I want it back. It's like love is an abusive boyfriend that keeps hurting me and I keep coming back for more, trying to justify why I stay. But the fact remains, I was a good girlfriend. I was a good fiance and I would have made a fucking awesome wife. I want to be able to be that for someone, I want to be that for me. I am not ashamed that I want a husband, I am however, fairly certain that I am not going to get the chance. Guys are fucking douchebags, and it is SO hard to find a good one, let alone a good one to whom I am attracted and actually likes me back. What are the odds that I would ever fall in love with an amazing man who has fallen in love with me, let alone the odds of that happening twice?
Look I am not claiming doomsday bullshit where I think I am just going to be totally alone for the rest of my days, wearing black staring out a window looking at the rain pensively. I am sure I will date guys. I may even have relationships again. I just don't think it is probable for me to think I will find another man who is perfect for ME like KC was. It's a numbers game, and I am on the losing end. It's a fucking bummer.
Fun fact, my mother drove me to the airport on my way out of cali and on to Florida. she said I am not allowed to fall in love with some dude out here and stay here.....I cracked up. Like that could happen.....

tried and failed

I tried dating. I went on a few dates with a few guys. I went on a few dates with one guy in particular. I feel empty and ashamed and deeply sad for what I had and lost. The ease in which we interacted, the commonality we shared while maintaining our independent selves. It was so easy with KC, right away. It felt right from the get go and I will never have that again. I will never have him again. I am only solidifying in my mind that I am destined to be alone. I can't ever settle for less than what and who KC was, and it is impossible to have him again. So where does that leave me? Alone.
And it isn't as if i am constantly depressed, I have joyful times for sure. But the level I was at before, I won't get there again. I know it. And that is a tough pill to swallow.
I feel sad today, after a date last night. I think that's just how it is going to be for me. Not everyone gets to be truly fulfilled and happy. I am not one of the lucky ones. And that's neither good or bad, it just is.

Moving Onward....forrealthistime

I may never be as happy as I was when I was with KC. I accept that. However, it isn't only 1 or 100, there are plenty of numbers in between. I think I can be happy again sharing affection with another man. I want that very much even though it scares the hell out of me. Just because I may not be as happy as I was, I can be happier than I am now. I'm alive, I am capable of love and I am lovable. Time to make it happen.