An old friend of mine, actually he and I dated before KC and I met, his little brother died yesterday. He was 19. His body was found under a large bridge in San Diego, and no one knows what happened. As soon as I heard this devastating news I was brought back to the feelings I had when KC was missing. I still don't know what was worse, the not knowing or the knowing. There is a lot that I will never know about what happened to KC, I don't know what his last words were, or his final thoughts. I don't know if he suffered much, or even exactly what happened to get him stuck. We will never know. Maybe that is for the best, but maybe not. wonder is a tough thing when it is something so powerful, so all encompassing. Before we found out that KC's equipment malfunctioned I envisioned the worst. I pictured him stuck, his tank caught and he was unable to free himself. I pictured him panicking, suffering and terrified. I know now that he didn't suffer long, and that brings me some peace but it doesn't take away the nightmares i had, and still have.
I can't believe that this is what my old friend's family is dealing with. I can't believe another family's lives are ruined and they don't even know what happened. It fucking breaks my heart in half. I can picture them, in the same place I was just over a year ago. I want to tell them it will be ok, but I can't. I want to tell them I know what they are feeling but I don't. I want to tell them he is in a better place but that is bullshit and they know it. I just want to hold Kev, be there for him, and let him see and feel my empathy, wordless and stuck in the knowing that this shit fucking sucks and no one and nothing can help, and somehow let all that help him. I want to bake cookies for the family and read them affirmations and guide them in meditation so they may quiet their minds for even a moment, and maybe feel a modicum of relief. But, I can't. And ultimately none of that will help. When tragedy strikes we have 1 choice and 1 choice only: die, or keep living without the one we lost. It's a shitty choice. It's so limited and limiting and your don't want to choose either one, but it is the choice with which we are left. I know Kev, though we haven't been close for some time, I know him. He will make the tough choice to keep going. I just wish I had learned something helpful through my loss, something that could help him or his family. I have wracked my brain all day to think of the right thing to tell him, but it isn't there. There can't be a right thing to say, because what happened is so wrong. There isn't a right answer when everything is wrong. So right now, all I can do is cry.
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