Green Giant

I am in a slump right now, and I am noticing how my grief has changed. In the beginning I was paralyzed, numb, a shell of who I was. I really do feel like I am as back to *me* as I am going to get, while knowing I will never be the same person I was before. I still miss KC the same way, desperately and angrily and passionately. But I also mourn him other ways. I mourn our future. I guess because I am trying so hard now to find the way to make a family for myself I am feeling more acutely the loss of what KC and I had planned. I feel so cheated. I feel so nervous about whether or not I will be able to find someone who loves me. When I think about this logically, it doesn't really make sense to me, I should be able to find someone. Other women my age find men to be their boyfriends, those boyfriends propose marriage, marriage leads to children; it's the natural order of things. I am still somewhat young at 29, definitely not out to pasture yet. I am reasonably attractive; no cloven hooves or warts on the nose. I love sports and fishing and action movies, I am smart and funny. I should have men knocking down my door left and right. But I really, really don't. The dude I was seeing for a couple months was about the nicest guy I could have asked for and he fell off the face of the planet for almost three weeks before sending a dumb ass cop out "breakup" text. Is this really what I have in store? After all I have learned and experienced, I am still subject to this nonsense? WTF?!
Today I went to a baby shower for a friend of the family. She is 21 years old, and a total doll, I just adore her. As soon as I walked in I felt like I was choking. It was as if I had the wind knocked out of me. Between peeping into the lives of old acquaintances on facebook and seeing that everyone and their fucking mother is getting married and making babies, then walking into the reality of a close friend, who happens to be 8 years younger than me, having a child with a loving and committed boyfriend; it was just too much. I got so sad. I was stifling tears the whole time and if I hadn't come with my mother and sister I probably would have left. I hate that I can't be happy for other people because I am so jealous. That isn't who I want to be. But I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop feeling the way that I feel and wanting what I want. I just want it. In a perfect world I could jump to 6 months into a relationship with the perfect combination of John Legend and Phil Dunfy from Modern Family. I know that is stupid wishful thinking that is not anywhere in the neighborhood of constructive, but again, I just can't help myself.
So what am I going to do about this?
I am going to become the best version of myself that I possibly can. I am going to get healthy, I start dance classes next week, I am going to finish school, I am going to keep busy and put myself out into situations where networking will be done. Then I will be my most attractive, and if I still can't get a man, I will just, shit I don't know. I will just keep getting better at being an Auntie and file for adoption. I don't want to do it on my own, but I want to be a mom more than I don't want to be a single mom. So, there's that.

I just want to feel FUCKING HAPPY

All I want is to feel happy again. I have all of the pieces in which to do so, except for one big fat gaping hole that keeps me from it. I want a husband and children. And I feel strongly that my desire for this is exactly what will keep me from it. Maybe I just get to be the number 1 Auntie of all time, which don't get me wrong, is awesome. But I just feel, *fuck*, unfulfilled. I don't see that changing anytime, or any way, soon. Lookin a little grim, folks. Not gon lie. Lookin a little mother fucking face palming toe stubbing shit stepping red lighting grim.

I had it right in the palm of my hand.

I am so fucking tired of this dating thing and I have been doing it for less than two months. It is fucking exhausting. It makes me think things about myself I wouldn't otherwise think. It makes me feel sad when I should otherwise feel good. It makes me terrified of a future spent alone. It lowers my self confidence, it makes me feel dependent, and it just god damned stresses me out. I had everything I ever wanted in the palm of my young, happy little hand. and POOF. Gone. Now I have to start all over again and it just isn't fair. I am so desperately lonely, the loneliness is tangible, real, physical, visceral. I just want to love someone and have them love me back. I just want to cultivate a family, a partnership, a life with someone I love who fucking loves me back. I am beginning to think, again, that I just am not one of the chosen who get to have what they want. 14 year old me is dying inside.

New Year. New Shit. Let's do this.

Happy 2013, my friends! I have been waiting all year for this new year, so it better be good! I am coming to you live and in color from a brand new perspective. 2 years and then some have passed since I lost my beautiful, loving fiance in a tragic and unexpected accident. KC and I were only together for less than 3 years, and so this seems a little strange to me, that he has now been gone almost as long as we were together, as long as I knew the man.  I mourn him daily in quiet, private ways. It can be a thought, a chuckle, a memory, a frustration; but I still have him near and dear to me every single day. With this, I have begun (as previously blogged) to date another man. This man is similar and different to KC in a lot of ways....let me clarify that thought. He is similar to KC in the way that he treats people, he is kind and considerate and a happy, busy, hardworking man. He likes to fish and crab and be with family and friends. He is different in the way that he looks and a few other subtle qualities. I, however, and reverted back to the same insecure weird young lady I was before meeting KC and I am constantly questioning everything about this new guy until I am sufficiently frustrated or sad or sure that New Guy is over it and that I will die alone. *ssiiiigggghhh* Oh, brain, why you gotta play a sista this way?!
 Yet, my perspective is changing, like I said. I was told once, at Camp Widow, that I should never look to fill the whole that KC left in my heart with another man. Though I never thought I would intend to do so, it was still important for me to hear. I should be cultivating a happy, rich, and fulfilled life on my own so that when the opportunity for male companionship presents itself, I will be ready to complement my already fabulous life with this little bit of icing. So, that is my new perspective! So simple, but takes a bit of work to really get there. I like my life! I haven't been able to really accept that since KC has been gone, but where I am right now, I am happy, again. I have an amazing new niece and nephew that bring me immense joy. I have a job that leaves me feeling accomplished and appreciated. I am doing very well in school and will have a Bachelors in Psychology by the end of Spring. I have fabulous friends who entertain me and enrich my life every day. And now, I even have this New Guy icing peppered into my life approximately once a week.  I am not going to over analyze things and wonder what I should say or how I should say it or read into text messages, that is all a bunch of bull shit. I live my life honestly and I trust the people in my life to pay me the same respect. New Guy has not given me a reason to not trust him, so I will trust him. It's only fair.
 The cool thing about this new perspective is that it is very freeing. I feel like I don't have to be a part of a game, or hide my feelings about KC, or worry about things which before were troubling me (like: negative thinking, self-doubt, contingent feelings about self based on inferences of others feelings about me) I just don't have to do that anymore. I am living my life the way that I want to live it; still cultivating my rich and happy life while allowing others to be a part of that if they want to, and if they don't, I'm ok with that too. I have survived far worse than rejection (from men, jobs, etc) and I feel strong in my convictions that I am a god person who deserves to be happy. So why not just let myself be happy?
 So that is my goal for the new year, keep it simple, get happy, live my life with love as my co-pilot. I think I am going to stick to this resolution! It just feels too good not to!
Happy Motherfuckin New Year, Ya'll!!