I tried dating. I went on a few dates with a few guys. I went on a few dates with one guy in particular. I feel empty and ashamed and deeply sad for what I had and lost. The ease in which we interacted, the commonality we shared while maintaining our independent selves. It was so easy with KC, right away. It felt right from the get go and I will never have that again. I will never have him again. I am only solidifying in my mind that I am destined to be alone. I can't ever settle for less than what and who KC was, and it is impossible to have him again. So where does that leave me? Alone.
And it isn't as if i am constantly depressed, I have joyful times for sure. But the level I was at before, I won't get there again. I know it. And that is a tough pill to swallow.
I feel sad today, after a date last night. I think that's just how it is going to be for me. Not everyone gets to be truly fulfilled and happy. I am not one of the lucky ones. And that's neither good or bad, it just is.
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