Engagement Story

Five years ago today, KC proposed to me. It was so unexpected and so beautiful. I remember the week before, I was up visiting my parents before my sister's wedding. I had been up for a week before KC came up to be here for the wedding. I remember when he got here I was so happy; it felt like I had been away from him for a month! He was sitting on the couch and I walked by him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap. He was asking me about Thanksgiving, and confirming plans that we had to meet his dad and sister on the Saturday following the holiday in Sea Ranch for mushroom hunting and abalone diving. He asked me if we could go up a day early and have a night to ourselves. I of course said yes. When we got up to the coast we settled into this little place in Gualala. It was a big stretch of property with a bunch of little cottages. We walked all around the property and picked mushrooms and explored for the better part of the afternoon; it was really fun. We settled into our sweet little cottage to relax a little before our dinner reservation.

I sat in the bay window in front of the hill that had a view of the ocean. I wrapped myself up with a blanket and a book, and sat so happy for about an hour. I wasn't paying too much attention to KC at the time, but in hindsight I suppose he was acting somewhat strange. He just seemed sort of distracted, I guess. We weren't talking much, and when we did it didn't seem like he was particularly present. As I was reading, I saw him out of the corner of my eye; he was rummaging through his bag and sort of pacing. Again, I didn't pay too much attention, I was just reading in the window. Then it happened. He walked slowly over to my side and looked out the window. I looked at him, and then out the window too. I am sure I said something about the view, but he stayed quiet. I remember asking him what was wrong...He kind of laughed and tilted his head back. He looked so nervous, it made me nervous. His head remained tilted, and I saw a tear roll from his eye; now I was really nervous. I grabbed his hand, he wouldn't look at me. With his head still back, tears still on his face, he said "You know I'm going to love your forever, right?" I knew that, I always knew that. "Yes," I said expectantly...what is happening right now?

He dropped to one knee and said some beautiful things about me, about us, about who we were and who we would become. I desperately wish I could remember exactly what he said but my head was swimming with what I thought might be happening. He held out that little heart shaped box with the bow on it and handed it to me. He looked me dead in the eye, "open it," he said, and I did. That ring was more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for. I got tearful at this point myself. I couldn't speak, I just looked back at him. His face was serious, stoic, but soft. "Will you marry me?" I couldn't speak. I handed him the box and stuck my hand out for him to place the ring. He put in on my finger and I grabbed him around the neck and kissed him, ferociously. I was smiling so big, it hurt my face. I still hadn't spoken, he said "You haven't actually answered yet..." I screamed "YES YES YES! I didn't say that?! YEEESSS!!!!!"

We sat in that bay window for about an hour talking about everything. We planned certain things about the wedding, talked about who would be the maid of honor and best man. We discussed bachelor and bachelorette parties (His best friend Below would NOT be in charge of his). We talked about having my brother officiate the wedding, our friend's band would play us down the aisle. We discussed different locations and where we might have the ceremony and what kind of booze we would have. We talked about how at our first dance we would start off dancing to some over the top sappy love song, and then there would be a record scratch and we would dance to some old school hip hop song or to Led Zepelin. We talked about who would cater the wedding, what colors we would wear, what season the wedding would be in, how we could plan it around our summers in Alaska.

Shortly after that we went to dinner at the restaurant on the property. KC had already told them he was going to propose, and there was champagne and congratulations awaiting us. We had a beautiful dinner. KC bragged to everyone he saw that he was going to marry me, he showed people my ring, told them that he had just asked me and I said yes.

The next day we met with his dad and sister, obviously they knew KC was going to propose and they were so happy. It was a truly amazing weekend. I felt so accepted as part of his family, I felt so happy and hopeful about our future. Our engagement story was such a lovely reflection of our relationship. It wasn't showey, it was sincere and true and just for us. KC always wanted to share his happiness with others, but this was just for the two of us. I have such a clear memory of that day, still, after five years. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments I have ever experienced. I believe the only things that rival that level of elation are when my niece and nephew were born.

I have had so many wonderful days since I've lost KC. I graduated college, I became an auntie several times over, I got accepted and started graduate school, I've even started dating again and found someone who makes me very happy and I just adore him. I've welcomed the
children of dear friends and the union of people I care so much about. I've made new friends, I've maintained old friendships. I've seen concerts and traveled and graced the tops of both towers on the Golden Gate Bridge. There are many things for which I feel unbelievably lucky. But today, my heart is heavy with this memory and the thoughts of what could have been. I just miss him. I miss our life together. I am angry that we never had a chance at that dream wedding we planned in the window of our cottage.

Today, I hurt. I hurt and I wish.