Well, today was stupid.

I hate days like today.  Everything started off sideways and just kept at it.  I was really trying to turn it around, and at one point I even thought I had it.  But no.  More shit.  I felt ineffective and naive. Those are two of the worst feelings besides grief, I think.  I am at work and I am not being affective so I feel like shit.   I was thoughtless about social media (like a fucking dummy) and it bit me in the ass and now I feel naive, and that feels shitty.  So that's where I am at.  And the WORST part, you ask? No KC to make me feel better at the end of the day.  No anyone to make me feel better at the end of the day.  Just come home to my parents house and hide away and feel shitty til I don't. Happy mother fuckin Tuesday.

Happy Birthday, True Love

I can't believe this is the fucking FOURTH time I have had to celebrate your birthday without you. I hate it. I keep hoping and wishing and thinking these kinds of days are going to get easier, and I guess in some ways they have.  But I just miss you and wish you were here and that we could celebrate together, and I don't think that ever goes away. I know I will never love anyone like I loved you, and I know I will never be loved the way you loved me again, but I cherish the precious little time we shared and I wish you could still feel how much I love and honor you every day.  I am writing this to you and listening to Led Zeppelin, "Hey Hey What Can I do?" and I can hear your voice signing it to me, your arms around my waist, your head thrown back, and your jerkey little dance moves. I miss it so bad I feel physical pain in my body. I just love you so much, fuck me so FUCKING much and I just would give everything I have to hold you one more time. I love you, and I miss you, and that is my constant state of being.