Weird. Ten months to the day have passed and it seems such a strange occasion. Somehow weirder and harder to understand. Has it really been this long since I spoke to him? Heard his voice whispering "I love you, true, I'll see you tonight," if only that were the case. I still miss him so much. Nothing is really better. Nothing has really changed. The world continues to be worse than it once was. My life is still lonely and bitter and sad. I still have this rage inside me with nowhere to put it.
I was watching old episodes of Dexter the other night and there was a girl who was brutally tortured and Dexter was helping her get revenge on the men that did that to her. In a very weird way I felt jealous of this character. Like, she got to take revenge on these men and she felt satisfied afterward, a specific turning point for her work through trauma. There isn't any way I can equate that to the anger and rage I feel at the....what? At Tom and Dave, because they were there? No. I know they did everything in their power to be safe and find KC. At the Coast Guard? The Police and Sherrif's department? No. They also did everything they could. Am I angry at the Ocean? Yes. but this proves silly as the ocean has no intent one way or another, KC was in it by choice. Should I be mad at KC? How could I be? He always told me the way he lived his life ("to the fullest," as everyone would use this cliche like it means anything to me at all or somehow makes it "ok" that he is fucking dead and I am here without him) would result in his early departure from this world, and as much as I hated to hear him say that I can look back and know that he was right, and maybe part of me knew that then.
So with whom do I get to take out my anger and vengeful feelings? The only logical response would be myself. I can't do anything to the ocean, save maybe litter. But what would that do but harm the ecosystem. I would never take it out on the men who fought and searched and cried and begged to help KC, how could I? Everything they could have done was done. I am the only one. You could say I knew what I was in for, KC was an "extremest." He practically told me this would happen and I loved him enough to stick with him and just kindly ask him to not speak those truths aloud.
So what greater punishment should I incur? Any physical retribution is out of the question, I would never put my family through another tragedy if I can help it. I have already suffered the deepest pain I can imagine. Maybe I am already taking this out on me....the dreams, the fear, the anxiety, the inability to catch my breath just once for the last ten months, the unrelenting knot in my stomach, the constant double thinking, the notion that I will live the rest of my days without True Love, the lack of motivation, never feeling well rested, the constant wonder if I will live another day or if my time has run out, too. Well, Touche, Meg O, touche. I guess I am taking revenge, I just wonder when the feeling of satisfaction will ever be realized. Maybe never, and maybe that is me betraying myself, somehow, even further.
I always, always read your updates, MegO, but I admit that sometimes it takes me a day or two to figure out how I can respond.
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries are difficult -- whether of a day of the month, a time of the year...all of it. Which is unfair, because every single *day* is difficult, but then the 4th rolls around again and you're struck by the very clear timeline that is ticking by. This month it's 10, next month it's 11, and then it will be one year. And not one of those numbers makes even a smidge of difference to the amount of pain you feel, except it *reminds* you of all the stuff you try not to show on the outside.
10 months without him, that's a long time. The part that hurts the very most is knowing that the number is going to keep getting higher.
Listen, I can validate your pain, I can listen, I can empathize, I can keep you in my thoughts, I can smile with you and I can tell you you're wonderful. Believe me, I'll keep doing all those things. But I'm under no delusion that I can fix any of this. All I can do is be here, and love you, and let you know that you're not alone in your grief.
You're an incredible person, and one of the strongest I've ever met -- even on those days when you feel like you're falling apart. Yes, even then, you are incredible, and strong.
Time will keep moving forward. Time sucks that way. I hate time.
Being mad is a huge part of the process. I don't do that part. But I've heard it's pretty important. Allow yourself to feel angry if you need to, and I think being mad at the ocean sometimes is perfectly fine -- it's not going to argue back, so go yell at it if you want.
Grief isn't logical. You're being very logical, and that's fantastic, but emotions aren't governed by the brain, so yes, let the anger happen, and even the desire for revenge.
i've never wanted revenge over anything, i never even got mad at the person who killed my aunt in cold blood. but yeah, i have a disorder, so definitely do the opposite of what i do. feel the anger, feel the unfairness. y'know what it means? it means you've still got a lot of fire in your heart, and you're not going to stop fighting. And that's something I really admire about you, and something I don't possess.
you are loved, appreciated, respected, admired, and so so strong. please know that. please always know that, but if you need reminding, just ask me to tell you again because i will.
lots of love,
Hats