Engagement Story

Five years ago today, KC proposed to me. It was so unexpected and so beautiful. I remember the week before, I was up visiting my parents before my sister's wedding. I had been up for a week before KC came up to be here for the wedding. I remember when he got here I was so happy; it felt like I had been away from him for a month! He was sitting on the couch and I walked by him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap. He was asking me about Thanksgiving, and confirming plans that we had to meet his dad and sister on the Saturday following the holiday in Sea Ranch for mushroom hunting and abalone diving. He asked me if we could go up a day early and have a night to ourselves. I of course said yes. When we got up to the coast we settled into this little place in Gualala. It was a big stretch of property with a bunch of little cottages. We walked all around the property and picked mushrooms and explored for the better part of the afternoon; it was really fun. We settled into our sweet little cottage to relax a little before our dinner reservation.

I sat in the bay window in front of the hill that had a view of the ocean. I wrapped myself up with a blanket and a book, and sat so happy for about an hour. I wasn't paying too much attention to KC at the time, but in hindsight I suppose he was acting somewhat strange. He just seemed sort of distracted, I guess. We weren't talking much, and when we did it didn't seem like he was particularly present. As I was reading, I saw him out of the corner of my eye; he was rummaging through his bag and sort of pacing. Again, I didn't pay too much attention, I was just reading in the window. Then it happened. He walked slowly over to my side and looked out the window. I looked at him, and then out the window too. I am sure I said something about the view, but he stayed quiet. I remember asking him what was wrong...He kind of laughed and tilted his head back. He looked so nervous, it made me nervous. His head remained tilted, and I saw a tear roll from his eye; now I was really nervous. I grabbed his hand, he wouldn't look at me. With his head still back, tears still on his face, he said "You know I'm going to love your forever, right?" I knew that, I always knew that. "Yes," I said expectantly...what is happening right now?

He dropped to one knee and said some beautiful things about me, about us, about who we were and who we would become. I desperately wish I could remember exactly what he said but my head was swimming with what I thought might be happening. He held out that little heart shaped box with the bow on it and handed it to me. He looked me dead in the eye, "open it," he said, and I did. That ring was more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for. I got tearful at this point myself. I couldn't speak, I just looked back at him. His face was serious, stoic, but soft. "Will you marry me?" I couldn't speak. I handed him the box and stuck my hand out for him to place the ring. He put in on my finger and I grabbed him around the neck and kissed him, ferociously. I was smiling so big, it hurt my face. I still hadn't spoken, he said "You haven't actually answered yet..." I screamed "YES YES YES! I didn't say that?! YEEESSS!!!!!"

We sat in that bay window for about an hour talking about everything. We planned certain things about the wedding, talked about who would be the maid of honor and best man. We discussed bachelor and bachelorette parties (His best friend Below would NOT be in charge of his). We talked about having my brother officiate the wedding, our friend's band would play us down the aisle. We discussed different locations and where we might have the ceremony and what kind of booze we would have. We talked about how at our first dance we would start off dancing to some over the top sappy love song, and then there would be a record scratch and we would dance to some old school hip hop song or to Led Zepelin. We talked about who would cater the wedding, what colors we would wear, what season the wedding would be in, how we could plan it around our summers in Alaska.

Shortly after that we went to dinner at the restaurant on the property. KC had already told them he was going to propose, and there was champagne and congratulations awaiting us. We had a beautiful dinner. KC bragged to everyone he saw that he was going to marry me, he showed people my ring, told them that he had just asked me and I said yes.

The next day we met with his dad and sister, obviously they knew KC was going to propose and they were so happy. It was a truly amazing weekend. I felt so accepted as part of his family, I felt so happy and hopeful about our future. Our engagement story was such a lovely reflection of our relationship. It wasn't showey, it was sincere and true and just for us. KC always wanted to share his happiness with others, but this was just for the two of us. I have such a clear memory of that day, still, after five years. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments I have ever experienced. I believe the only things that rival that level of elation are when my niece and nephew were born.

I have had so many wonderful days since I've lost KC. I graduated college, I became an auntie several times over, I got accepted and started graduate school, I've even started dating again and found someone who makes me very happy and I just adore him. I've welcomed the
children of dear friends and the union of people I care so much about. I've made new friends, I've maintained old friendships. I've seen concerts and traveled and graced the tops of both towers on the Golden Gate Bridge. There are many things for which I feel unbelievably lucky. But today, my heart is heavy with this memory and the thoughts of what could have been. I just miss him. I miss our life together. I am angry that we never had a chance at that dream wedding we planned in the window of our cottage.

Today, I hurt. I hurt and I wish.

Dichotomy

Holding:
Deep connection and profound loneliness
Ecstacy and profound wounding
Hope and hopelessness
Love and rage
Wonder and spaciness
Desire for knowledge and a filled cup
Knowing all and knowing nothing
Oneness, me-ness, us-ness, and you-ness
Stillness and reckless abandon
Left brain and right brain
Indifference and weighty concern
Thirst and hunger
Longing without knowing for what
Satiation and desire


How can one hold this? All of this? Simultaneously. I'm not sure, but it's happening.

New Year and Discipline

The holidays were tough this year, as they have been since KC has been gone, but this year it has been different and worse.  About 3 weeks before Thanksgiving my dad told me that he had renal cancer and would have to have surgery to remove his left kidney.  To add to this, he said I couldn't tell anyone about it.  I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents, my sister, brother-in-law, and niece and my dad dropped this bomb.  As soon as I heard the words "I have cancer" my vision blurred, my temperature rose, and I stopped hearing everything else that he said. I soon got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up; as if my body thought it could extinguish the bad news. My father has had the surgery and is doing quite well, but I can't shake the feeling of foreboding.

This news and the surgery obviously affected my Thanksgiving celebration. We still had the dinner we usually have, but it was tainted. It felt different.  The food was different as Pop wasn't able to prepare the entire meal as he usually does and other people provided the bulk of the feast.  It was nice to have everyone, and obviously I am grateful that Pop is hangin in there, but shit, man. The foreboding. It's there and it's real.

A short couple weeks later was four years since KC passed, and then two days later it was my 31st birthday.  My birthday was on a Saturday this year, however, it was a grad school weekend, so that Friday, Saturday and Sunday were 12 hour school days.  Though my cohort at school was incredibly kind and ritualized my day in an unbelievable showing of love and appreciation, it wasn't the same as celebrating my birthday with my family and my friends as I usually do.  I felt a little like my birthday was skipped this year.

The last week of work before winter break is always brutal. The kids were crazy and I was at my wits end, aching for Friday afternoon and the freedom that awaited me. Freedom finally came, and I woke up with a terrible cold that first Saturday morning of my vacation.  Mind you, this was a working vacation, as I have 4 papers due tomorrow for school, but it was a vacation nonetheless.  Yet, it was just a cold...how bad could it be, right? Wrong. I am still sick. There have been days here and there in the last two weeks where I thought I was getting better and over it, but it has fallen back to the nastiness and I still can't shake it. The worst part is that I had laryngitis as well, and it was at its worst on Christmas Day, forcing me to stay home alone while my family celebrated together, without me.  My Christmas was spent barely conscious on a couch all by myself, unable to talk.

I realize I am sounding like a whiny little kid, here. Trust me, I am fucking sick of myself too. But I am affected by this. Being sick for so long has taken away experiences from me. It even affected the papers I have had to write, as being so sick for so long apparently has a dramatic affect on cognitive functioning (who knew?). But the point is, as I am looking at a brand new year, I have had a lot of time to think about how I want to make this year better than the last, and broaden my experiences. I have been trying to think of a word to encompass all aspects of my life that I want to improve.  The best that I can come up with is discipline.  If I can be disciplined, I will maximize the use of my time in my work and school.  I will be in charge of my health and fitness.  I will have space in my domicile.  I will limit my spending to save for the things that really matter to me, like travel, family,  and education. And maybe, if I am lucky, it will spill over into my romantic endeavors too and I will be able to make time and take chances to aim toward a better life for myself.

So, this year, I aim toward discipline. I will manifest 2015 in the best way possible and change habits that no longer serve me. Discipline, kids. The name if the 2015 game.

Wishing you a connected, disciplined, and empowered year.