Sometimes, in grief, I notice these moments of panic. They are subtle and internal, which I suppose makes panic seem, well, hyperbole. I keep these feelings subtle because I know if I do what my body wants to do I will ruin my life. If I do what I am supposed to do, what my body and heart wants, like throw a giant fucking fit, or cut myself, or get drunk, or take meds, run away, or shut down, if I do that there will be consequences lasting far longer than the urges I have to do these things. So I just sit and breathe and sometimes cry a little (or a lot) and feel all of the feelings that I have and wait for it to go away. See, I know I am not crazy, because I know that these urges would make me seem crazy so I control it. Right? I mean if I were really crazy I wouldn't be thinking about cause-and-effect type consequences, I would just act on impulse. I mean, right?
I just sometimes get really overwhelmed by loneliness and I get scared that I will always be alone. This generally happens when I am, in point of fact, alone (which I am sure exacerbates the issue, although on rare occasions it will happen in public). But I just get scared I guess that it is impossible for me to be loved ever again. Or at least for me to accept it and love someone back. It happens every single day, people fall in love. It seemed so super special and significant when KC and I fell in love that I just feel like it is impossible to get that twice with a second man. I have tried to date, and I have actually dated. I have enjoyed the company of another man but it felt nothing like what it felt like when I fell in love with KC. I knew I loved KC and I knew he loved me, and we both knew it right away. And in the same way, I think *and I am scared to put this out there but this is how I am feeling* that I know that I won't have the family that I want. So now I just have one question, knowing what I know.
How do I become OK with this life?
