back and forth

How do you know what to do, to make the right decision? When everything is wrong because the one you love is gone way too soon, a lot of questions seem to have no answer. I go back and forth in my head constantly and about so many different things; from the idea of dating again to what to eat for lunch. It is seemingly one of the more pervasive symptoms of grief, I haven't been able to get past this part yet, this unsure feeling that whatever the choice I am making is the wrong one. KC's birthday is coming up next week and I decided I was going to be with friends and go to opening weekend for the Giants. I will be surrounded with people I love in a sporting event, and I know it would be something KC would enjoy. But somehow I feel something in me that says I should just stay home and cry alone in my room. I'm nervous about it. The thing is, nothing that could happen could be worse than anything I have already survived so what am I nervous about? I will be with great friends in a fun place, but what if I have a panic attack? What if I can't stop crying? Well, who cares?! Being around my friends is a better idea than locking myself up and hiding from the world, so I am going to go despite my worries. If i cry, I cry. If I laugh, I won't let myself feel guilty. I am everything I am because KC loved me and he loved me because I love life, so I am determined to keep being the girl that KC loved. What better way to celebrate the most amazing man I ever knew? just hope it's the right choice, here i go again, back and forth....