My meaning of life

I think I finally got it.

I don't think everyone really gives the meaning of life too much thought. If we all did, everyone would just be gluttonous hedonistic wretches, it would be Greek gods all over the place seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. But instead, we work, we educate ourselves, we delay pleasure and work to provide ourselves with a break. My job, it seems, is to work so that others can be blissfully unaware of how shitty life is. I should suffer quietly so that I don't take away precious moments of pleasure from others. So I work at a job that I lovehate so that the children for whom I work will have the potential for a better, more pleasure-filled life. I smile through tears so that other people around me don't know the extent to which I am suffering inside, and therefore they can be happy. This is the part I need to work on, however, because I am not as good as I would like to think at hiding my feelings; heart on my sleeve and all that. So my journey is in suffering to promote health and wellness and general subjective well being in others. I can get down with that I guess, but I hope that eventually my pain will soften and I will be able to feel that hearty warmth in my heart again. Love. It's all I want, it's all I live for.
That is the meaning of life.
Love.

So tell me what to do when the meaning of life is taken away. Someone? Anyone?

wait, wasthat, holy shit...

There is a solar eclipse happening right now. I made a little pinhole viewer out of a cereal box and my dad, mom and I have been checking it out for like an hour and a half. It felt like such a nice cool way to spend an afternoon with my family, it made my heart warm. I was sharing a rare experience with my parents, and it felt good.

Then I walked outside and a man was driving by my house. I glanced in the car and I SWEAR it was KC's doppelganger, his fucking living twin or something, driving right in front of my house. He was even wearing a backwards hat and leaning in the car the same EXACT way KC did when he was driving. In the span of a millisecond I felt this huge surge of excitement and hope and dread and despair. I know that KC is gone forever, but eyes do play tricks I suppose. I thought for the smallest second that KC was back, and he was in a white BMW, and he was here for me. And all at the same time he's gone again.

Fuck my life, man. The very second things seem to start lining up, it gets thrown again. I wonder when I can relax again, feel connected again, feel lit up from the inside like I did when I was living with KC and not living in constant pain.

I am reaching for some sort of irony or parallel or meaning in this rare, solar eclipse. Is it so simple as blocking the light from my life? Darkness taking over where there once was light? the good news? The world keeps turning and the sun becomes visible yet again, I guess my eclipse just hasn't finished yet....

Painful Regression

It feels like I am relapsing in grief. I thought I was "moving on" for a bit there, I liked it. I went about my work and my social life, going a few hours at a time forgetting that I had to take off my engagement ring because KC is dead. I was getting happy again. I went on dates a few times. I enjoyed the company of another man (well, boy really, as it turned out) and took comfort in the newly found realization that I may be able to have a crush on a guy while still holding on to the True Love that I shared with KC. But now, man. I am consumed with loneliness in a way I never have known. It breaks barriers like a child coloring outside of the lines. Reckless abandon. It crosses into every single moment of my life. The most joyful moments are tarnished by a heavy weight: I will never be truly loved again. This is not to say that I am not loved now, I know that I am. This isn't even to say that I will never know romantic love from a man again, I believe that I will. I just am not entirely sure that I will ever be able to again fully open my heart and leave myself vulnerable to this type of loss ever again. If I cannot open my heart to love someone else, I surely can never feel new love again, even if it feels true to the person on the other end.
This heaviness, it's weighs down every part of my day. Today I noticed that walking seemed tiresome. Just walking, not even walking briskly. I remember this feeling because it is how it felt to walk anywhere for the first 3 or 4 months after KC died. Like each step was a fucking miracle of science, how DOES she do it?! I am feeling this way again, 17 months later. I am feeling this weight in every moment and I don't know what to do about it. I try to delve into it, but I go numb. I try and distract myself, but I find that the more I try not to think about it the more I see KC everywhere. If it isn't KC I see, it's an engagement, a pregnancy, an ode to a life that was robbed from KC and I before we even got the chance to plan it. I hate that when I find out a friend got engaged that I instantly feel terror in my bones: I hope no one dies. I hate that when a friend of mine tells me they are pregnant, I instantly feel dark, angry jealousy. I hate that when I look at my niece and I hold her and sing to her I am thinking about how I will likely never experience birthing a beautiful child like her. I think about how she will never know her Uncle KC. I think about how all I want to do is protect her from the feeling I have in my heart, that bitter, sad, angry, empty feeling of grief, but I know that I can't do that.
So what do I do about it?
How do I get better?
How do I "move on."
How do you escape desperate, desperate loneliness when the only one who can take that feeling away....



is gone.