I am constantly reminded of what I almost had. Sometimes i just get mad about it when I probably shouldn't, but I just can't help it. I see my students getting so pissed and bent out of shape and I know they have disabilities and they can't help or regulate their emotions, but i still just wanna shake them sometimes and tell them to get the fuck over themselves, and that they have no idea what real shit is, and to quit being a baby because you don't get to go to recess today, I fucking lost my fiance!!! but alas, I can't. I don't get to shake students....oh well. "I'm in a fight about facebook and boys, my life isn't worth living!" Really, kid? Seriously? Fuck you. Talk to me when you have real problems...ya know...besides the autism and whatnot.
Maybe I am just feeling a little cranky. I am still not over being sick and that does nothing to help my grief. I was starting to feel hopeful there for a while and now i am on the downswing again, I guess. I'm starting to question a lot, like whether or not I am in the right job. Whether or not I am any good at it to begin with. Whether or not I should bother going back to school. Whether or not I should start looking for someone to date. Whether dating again would hurt or help. Whether or not I will be a good Aunty to my sister and brother-in-law's baby (how i will handle that in general, being that I am so incredibly jealous of my sister I can't even stand it). I wonder whether or not I am allowed to be happy for any sustainable period of time or i i have some crazy fucked up karma that is keeping me steadily spiraling into loneliness and despair. I wonder daily what the fuck I did to deserve this crippling pain and why some people seem to get everything they have ever wanted out of life, or even everything I have ever wanted. I know I sound like such a fucking baby right now but the fact is, I know nothing. I just wonder about everything and I want some mother fucking answers where there are none. All of these things, except for the dating stuff, are questions that KC would help me with. He always could put my mind at ease by either assuring me I was doing the right thing or pointing me in the right direction. Just another thing I miss about that man.
OK, enough down on yourself shit, meg O. Let's list some things you are super stoked about in your life:
Speaking about yourself in third person.
Family
Friends
Ponies
music
babies
puppies
I have a job
I got to learn what love is, how to love and how to receive love
I have a pretty accurate gauge of life shit
I know I can survive some "real shit"
My health
Mario Kart
Marijuana
Pizza
Candy
Comedy
Mazie poo poo girl
That's what I got for now...Time to watch some my little pony. Serious.
Mazie Poo Poo girl should be TOP of that muthafuckin' list, girl, because that dog has *gotta* be awesome to put up with that embarrassing ass name. ;)
ReplyDeleteYeah, autism is the most BALLS thing ever, because all it does is keep people at an emotional age of 2-7 when they literally *can't* give a shit about anyone else. they're selfish little fucks, i'm pretty sure that's the official diagnosis description.
You. Are. Amazing.
You're incredible at your job because you actually *care* about them, which is why it's soooo fucking hard. That's the shitty reality of it, the more you care, the more it's going to piss you the fuck off that they're not making a real effort. And i mean, c'mon, let's be honest here. That's what's the worst part, isn't it. That they genuinely *refuse* to try harder because they figure they can tantrum and whine their way out of shit, like a toddler does. They make the conscious choice to not mature. It's fucking retarded. Literally.
Want some tips? DON'T LISTEN TO ADELE, for fuck's sake. I realize i provided it, but throw that shit away. or donate it to someone, or just kick the crap out of it.
Next: bring it up with the social cog people, these kids don't get ANY lifeskills any more, so if they need to focus on something, it has to be in that time period. and jesus they need some real fucking coaching.
Next: One battle at a time. I know it's fucking difficult, but seriously, for each kid, pick one thing that you want them to work on, and focus on that. Otherwise you're overwhelmed with EVERYTHING they can't and won't do. So pick one area that you are gonna help them develop in, and work that angle for awhile. It might feel less hopeless.
Most importantly of all: i love you. and i know what it's like to feel down. hit me up, sista, we shall crepe.
Thanks suga, that is all good advice, however I am not going to give up listening to Adele. To Make You Feel My Love is my fave right now and I physically can't stop listening to it and singing it even though I dont know all the words yet. I was getting pretty emotional when I got home today, but I went and hung out with my baby oven sister and brother in law and I feel much happier. It is still pretty fucking tough to come home to an empty room and an empty bed, but thems the breaks, ya know. Someday I will be able to handle it better, I will be even better at this job, and I will be able to look at a beautifully full and giant moon (like the one outside right now) and enjoy the beauty instead of mourning the fact that KC doesn't get to see it. Someday. Love you, and I will get through tomorrow and Thursday for one reason and one reason only, CREPES. Hope you're feelin better.
ReplyDelete