It has been four years since I have seen you. You’ve been
gone longer than I knew you. It has been
four year since you held my hand, kissed my mouth, told me you loved me, made
me feel safe, made me believe in true love, made me believe, everyday, that I
deserved it. It seems like it was all at the same time just yesterday that you
died, and a million years since I have seen you, touched you, bathed in your
presence and love.
What is it about four that feels so significant? Why does four feel so big?
The number four is loaded with symbolism. In some realms it is representative of the
fourth dimension, time, which is said to be an illusion. That would explain the
contradictory feelings of how long if feels that KC has actually been
gone. Four is connection, completion,
four seasons four elements. In Buddhist
culture, the The Damba Tree of Life has four limbs and four roots that are fed
by four streams. The Greeks equate the
number four with the God Hermes, son of Zeus and Maia. Hermes is the messenger god who communicates
with all other gods and the guide for the dead to the underworld. Hermes held
the number four sacred as he was born in the fourth month, as was KC.
In Egypt, the number four is considered the sacred number of
time in reference to the sun. Numerology suggests the totality of the number
four, again referencing the four elements, four directions, four sides to the
perfect square. It is representative of
calmness, solidity, and home, with the suggestion of getting back to the bones
of your life, planting roots, and persevering through obstacles when finding
ground might be difficult. The four is the
ground in that moment.
The Bible talks about the number four and its relationship
to creation. The fourth day was when the material universe was completed with
the sun, the moon and the stars, giving way to the four seasons in a year. The
fourth commandment is remembrance of the Sabbath day in order to properly honor
the work that went into the creation of the universe as we know it.
There are four temperaments described in early psychology
that are related directly to Hippocrates’ four humors. Melancholic temperaments are doomed to a life
of disappointment and slow movement despite their virtuous nature. Choleric
temperaments are strong but give way easily to anger. The sanguine person is
obedient and fits in well with their environment as a practice, seeking
approval and avoids controversy.
Phlegmatic types are similarly adaptable, but stubborn and lazy. These four temperaments cover a complete
array of personality types, furthering the notion that the number four
represents completeness.
“One significant representation of four symbology is in the
representation of the four evangelists of the four winged beasts in the vision
of Ezekiel, later reconstitutes in the New Testament as the four beasts of the
apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. In the Kabbalah, there were four worlds
of the Tree of Life. There are four creatures on the arms of Freemasonry, four
primary mental functions according to Carl Jung, and four dimensions of modern
science: length, breadth, width, and time.”
With all of this research, all of the symbolism, all of the
awareness this brings and parallels drawn, what does it mean in the scheme of
the loss that I suffered 4 years ago?
Though completion and home and stability and strength feel like very
attractive qualities moving through 4 years of heartbreak for a senseless
accident with no meaning, unfortunately, the fact that four years have passed
me by without the man with whom I agreed to share the rest of my life brings me
precious little solace. However,
standing with my back to four and facing year five head on feels different than
previous anniversaries. Grounded in
four, I feel the elements around and beneath me; The earth under my feet. I feel the square solidity of the new
foundation upon which this life I never asked for has been built. I feel the four roots from the Tree of Life
and I am quenched by the four rivers that feed the tree. I feel Hermes delivering my messages and his
connection to the natural and mystical alchemical changes which occur over time
reinforce the rooted feelings of four. Or maybe there is none of this and all I am
doing is trying to make sense of this.
What I do know, is that I have been blessed with another year on this
earth, and I am making the most of it. I will continue to do so, and honor my
time with love in my heart and an openness to receive it. I will continue to
miss him, and honor his memory with my own actions of love and affection and
presence in the world.
