It's most illogical

I was really actively trying to date. Like, really trying. I asked people to set me up. I went online. I had 4 dates set up since the first of the year. Every single one of them fell off of the face of the earth as soon as the words "it's a date" were uttered. I am not taking it personally. I truly feel like I am a catch and I really think it is they're loss, and if they're that type of douche bag I would like to know before I waste any real time on them, so I considered it a gift. One night, a couple of weeks ago, I had a little moment of clarity where I realized, without any self-loathing, self-deprecation, and especially no self pity that I am just going to be alone. And for the first time I am kind of ok with that. I was so lucky to have been loved so well, like seriously loved SOOOOO well. I mean, it was instant, and true, and electric, and I remember feeling like I couldn't squeeze him hard enough, I couldn't tell him enough what he meant, the word love seemed so small and meaningless compared to the level of profundity and abundance I had for him and the I KNEW and I still KNOW in my whole being that it was 100% reciprocal. How could I ever expect that again? It's just....illogical and childish to think I will ever be in love like that twice in a lifetime. I wasn't sad when I realized this. I think I will have a boyfriend again, maybe after grad school someday. I am sure I will share time with someone. I would love to make children, but I am not sure I will have that chance either (that is what I am struggling to accept). But really, I have been alone for over 3 years now and I really truly like who I am and what I do. I am proud of myself and what I have accomplished since KC died and I believe he would be proud of me too. But, I have given up wasting time looking for the impossible. It's just not possible. But I think that's ok.