Doin it

Heading down to see my Santa Barbara family this weekend, KC's dad is going to take me fishing for the first time since KC and I fished together in AK. I am a little nervous, but really excited too. I feel like I am in a pretty good place heading down there right now, I am taking control over a lot in my life and trying to do my best to say YES more often. That is what KC did, and that is what I want to do. It isn't really easy, but I am tired of watching the clock tick by and waiting to feel happy again. If I keep waiting, it's gonna be a long fucking road. I started my life without KC over a year and a half ago, but I don't feel like I have done very much living. It's damn well time to start. I am saying yes, I am getting healthy and strong, I am opening my heart to love and life. I am achieving goals and finishing school and saying what I mean and doing what feels right. I am living a life. I wish it could be with KC by my side, but I don't have that choice anymore. So I will do better than make do. I will live. I will love. I will experience. I will grow. Starting, now.

Going

I need to get moving. I am 28 years old, widowed for a year and a half. I feel as though I keep watching people live life in front of me as though I am watching a program on TV. Things are happening to the people around me and I am plugging along I guess, but I don't know that I am really living, like I was with KC. I need to get back out there, I need to feel love again in many senses. I have these goals (finishing school, getting my own apartment, but more importantly having a family). I operate under no delusion that this will be an easy task, but I want it. I want it so badly. I miss the little things about being in a relationship, like buying little presents, holding hands and stealing a kiss in a movie theater, walking hand in hand down the street and even those stupid little fights about laundry and dishes). It's tough to see that possibility, it makes me mourn KC even more. But there is one thing I know about KC; he wanted me to be a mother. I need to be a mother. So, off I go, into the world, truly open to the possibility of meeting someone again for the first time. How bad could it be?