Yesterday
marked three years that my fiance has been gone, and tomorrow I turn
30. Finding a huge dichotomy of feelings. On the one hand, I feel
tremendously grateful: I had a great and powerful love, I have a
beautiful proposal story (not to mention a beautiful ring), I have
amazing memories and supportive friends and family, and I feel grateful
to be afforded the right to turn 30. But in this moment, I have no hope.
I can't see past my despair and loneliness. I feel incredibly aware of
my sadness and after three years, as long as I knew KC, I know there
will never be an end to my grief and it just feels overwhelming. How can
a body sustain such agony? I just feel defeated and I fucking hate it.
This isn't fair, this isn't what I deserve, and it damn sure isn't what
KC deserved. The world is a dark and lonely place without him, and I am
afraid I will never fully be able to open my eyes to the light again. I
am wishing you all so much comfort, but today, there is no way to be
comforted. Today it's just pain.
