I've been so lonely, I could die

I am so fucking tired of this. Every day I get up, I go to work, I work my ass off just to come home and do homework. I have no money. I have no man. I have no real love or affection in my life and I just am starting to think what the fuck is the point? I have a student who is so dependent on my ever day for everything and she tells me today that she can't talk to me because she doesn't trust me as much as some other staff that she sees for an hour a day. Fuck that little bitch of a kid. Maybe that's not the PC thing to say, but this is an uncensored blog so get over it. that is how i feel right now. I invest a lot of myself into all my kids, but her especially and i feel like i got punched in the gut for that one and it's bull shit. Then I check my facebook and every one is god damned dying, all the time. It's getting to the point where if I hear someone call me by my whole name instead of a nickname or an abbreviation of my name I automatically think someone is dying or dead. How is this mentality fair for someone my age?
And fuck me, the loneliness. It's like my body aches for the loneliness. I miss KC and his endless affection, I knew how good I had it but I couldn't possibly have appreciated it enough when I still had it. not like I do now anyway and I just miss it so fucking much. I am so afraid that I will be like this forever. I know it isn't likely the case but it is just how i feel right now, no light at the end of a tunnel, just a scary, lonely, dark tunnel with twists and turns and potholes and work. I am tired all the time. I am starting to have very odd dreams, even dreams of people pity-proposing to me, and you know what I do? I accept. I accept a marriage proposal to someone I am not in love with because I am tired of being alone and I am scared no one is ever going to love me again. I miss being in love with someone who is here to love me back. That is what it boils down to, I guess. I miss being loved. And there is no end in sight.

back and forth

How do you know what to do, to make the right decision? When everything is wrong because the one you love is gone way too soon, a lot of questions seem to have no answer. I go back and forth in my head constantly and about so many different things; from the idea of dating again to what to eat for lunch. It is seemingly one of the more pervasive symptoms of grief, I haven't been able to get past this part yet, this unsure feeling that whatever the choice I am making is the wrong one. KC's birthday is coming up next week and I decided I was going to be with friends and go to opening weekend for the Giants. I will be surrounded with people I love in a sporting event, and I know it would be something KC would enjoy. But somehow I feel something in me that says I should just stay home and cry alone in my room. I'm nervous about it. The thing is, nothing that could happen could be worse than anything I have already survived so what am I nervous about? I will be with great friends in a fun place, but what if I have a panic attack? What if I can't stop crying? Well, who cares?! Being around my friends is a better idea than locking myself up and hiding from the world, so I am going to go despite my worries. If i cry, I cry. If I laugh, I won't let myself feel guilty. I am everything I am because KC loved me and he loved me because I love life, so I am determined to keep being the girl that KC loved. What better way to celebrate the most amazing man I ever knew? just hope it's the right choice, here i go again, back and forth....