I am approaching the one year mark, Dec 4 will be a year that KC has been gone. I am finding myself less and less able to cope with this. My emotions are so unstable; one minute I am perfectly fine and able to enjoy the company I am in or whatever and the next minute I am fucking devastated. This morning I woke up and was feeling fine, had a cup of coffee, chat with my parents. Ate some breakfast and watched a couple episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia (hilarious, btw). I made some plans with two of the most fun, inspiring, beautiful girls I know to go on a hike. I came into my room to get ready for the hike and I just became overwhelmed with sadness. There is no reason for this. No trigger. No warning. I am still going to go on the hike because I know the girls I will be with are going to be helpful to me in feeling this way. Also I just really don't want to waste another Sunday feeling like shit curled up in bed. It isn't fair that because KC is gone I lose days of my life. I am angry about that. So I am fighting the urge to let the grief hold me and going out into nature and i'll cry out there
instead. Happy Halloween, I guess.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
El Dia De Los Fuck You.
El Dia de los Muertos.
Fuck me.
I walked into this one with blind eyes, big time. Let me back up a bit. I went on a field trip with my students today for their Spanish class to a museum that was featuring an exhibit for El Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead. I thought the whole way about how cool the art would be and how I love museums and art is cool! YAY! Then I get there. I walk in. I see alters, alters honoring people who have died. I was fucking blindsided. I am standing there in front of 10 autistic teenagers fighting tears and feigning interest in this incredibly devastating display of pain, bereavement, grief, and loss. The idea was so beautiful, though. Honoring loved ones with art and pictures and butterflies and marigolds and sunlight and rich purples and love. It makes sense. It was nice to be able to leave a little note on the community alter for KC but it was a little awkward to do so in front of my students and coworkers.
The next couple months are going to kick my ass, I get that. I just thought I would know when these things were going to happen, I wasn't anticipating sneak-ups on me after almost 11 months of mourning. I thought I would have this figured out by now. But maybe you never get to figure things out all the way, maybe what I never get back is a feeling of security over my own emotions. Or maybe I just need more time. More than the year. This regression is tough enough by itself but this is my life now. I get up. I feel sad. I go to work. I feel distracted and sad. I get in my car to drive home from work and feel REALLY sad. I get home. I feel sad. I check facebook, I watch TV, I chat with my parents, I go to bed and feel sad. Rinse. Repeat. Just hoping someday it will get good again. It really has to get good again, this is not sustainable.
Fuck me.
I walked into this one with blind eyes, big time. Let me back up a bit. I went on a field trip with my students today for their Spanish class to a museum that was featuring an exhibit for El Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead. I thought the whole way about how cool the art would be and how I love museums and art is cool! YAY! Then I get there. I walk in. I see alters, alters honoring people who have died. I was fucking blindsided. I am standing there in front of 10 autistic teenagers fighting tears and feigning interest in this incredibly devastating display of pain, bereavement, grief, and loss. The idea was so beautiful, though. Honoring loved ones with art and pictures and butterflies and marigolds and sunlight and rich purples and love. It makes sense. It was nice to be able to leave a little note on the community alter for KC but it was a little awkward to do so in front of my students and coworkers.
The next couple months are going to kick my ass, I get that. I just thought I would know when these things were going to happen, I wasn't anticipating sneak-ups on me after almost 11 months of mourning. I thought I would have this figured out by now. But maybe you never get to figure things out all the way, maybe what I never get back is a feeling of security over my own emotions. Or maybe I just need more time. More than the year. This regression is tough enough by itself but this is my life now. I get up. I feel sad. I go to work. I feel distracted and sad. I get in my car to drive home from work and feel REALLY sad. I get home. I feel sad. I check facebook, I watch TV, I chat with my parents, I go to bed and feel sad. Rinse. Repeat. Just hoping someday it will get good again. It really has to get good again, this is not sustainable.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Onward.
So I don't really get inspired to write when I am happy. This makes my blog posts a big ole bummer all of the time. However, I feel like I just need to say that for this moment, I'm feelin pretty good. I have a good weekend lined up and my brother is coming to town tomorrow and I never get to see him. I am so happy to be able to spend time lately with people who are so important to me. There are some tough things coming up but during the rough times I will be surrounded by loving friends and family, how lucky is that? I know that is pretty rare and I am happy to acknowledge the great company I keep.
I am determined to try my best, every day, to focus my energy on the good, on life, on my life because I am still here. And, even though I am here without KC, I have a life to lead. However long or short my life may be, this is all I get. I make choices. Yes, there are things that happen that I can't control, and not everything that I choose directly impacts my life circumstances. I know, and accept that my acceptance of KC's proposal did not kill him. I chose to accept his proposal and some shitty accident took him away. Now, I can choose to dedicate my life to a man that is gone and therefore lose my life as well, or....I can choose to honor him, hold him in my heart, remember all that I have learned from him, and live my life alongside of the shitty circumstances. I can move forward. I can travel ONWARD. Onward. I love that word. "In a direction or toward a position that is ahead in space or time; forward." Onward seems reasonable. Logical. I can understand onward. There is hope in that word; hope for what I should have had with KC and the possibility of a time in space where I will be able to release the constant pain in my chest and knot in my stomach and feel truly happy again. Just accepting that this is possible eases the tension ever so slightly.
So for today, I will curl my hair, put on make up, be with my pregnant sister and amazing brother in law. Tonight I will share with the company of a few of my closest friends. Tomorrow I will see my brother and baby sister and spend a beautiful day with them. Monday I will go back to work where the struggles are great and the rewards are small but the impact is big. ONWARD, I say. Onward because you never know what may happen, and though bad things will inevitably occur, good will happen too. I will be prepared to handle/enjoy/breathe in/accept/survive whatever it may be.
I am determined to try my best, every day, to focus my energy on the good, on life, on my life because I am still here. And, even though I am here without KC, I have a life to lead. However long or short my life may be, this is all I get. I make choices. Yes, there are things that happen that I can't control, and not everything that I choose directly impacts my life circumstances. I know, and accept that my acceptance of KC's proposal did not kill him. I chose to accept his proposal and some shitty accident took him away. Now, I can choose to dedicate my life to a man that is gone and therefore lose my life as well, or....I can choose to honor him, hold him in my heart, remember all that I have learned from him, and live my life alongside of the shitty circumstances. I can move forward. I can travel ONWARD. Onward. I love that word. "In a direction or toward a position that is ahead in space or time; forward." Onward seems reasonable. Logical. I can understand onward. There is hope in that word; hope for what I should have had with KC and the possibility of a time in space where I will be able to release the constant pain in my chest and knot in my stomach and feel truly happy again. Just accepting that this is possible eases the tension ever so slightly.
So for today, I will curl my hair, put on make up, be with my pregnant sister and amazing brother in law. Tonight I will share with the company of a few of my closest friends. Tomorrow I will see my brother and baby sister and spend a beautiful day with them. Monday I will go back to work where the struggles are great and the rewards are small but the impact is big. ONWARD, I say. Onward because you never know what may happen, and though bad things will inevitably occur, good will happen too. I will be prepared to handle/enjoy/breathe in/accept/survive whatever it may be.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
10
Weird. Ten months to the day have passed and it seems such a strange occasion. Somehow weirder and harder to understand. Has it really been this long since I spoke to him? Heard his voice whispering "I love you, true, I'll see you tonight," if only that were the case. I still miss him so much. Nothing is really better. Nothing has really changed. The world continues to be worse than it once was. My life is still lonely and bitter and sad. I still have this rage inside me with nowhere to put it.
I was watching old episodes of Dexter the other night and there was a girl who was brutally tortured and Dexter was helping her get revenge on the men that did that to her. In a very weird way I felt jealous of this character. Like, she got to take revenge on these men and she felt satisfied afterward, a specific turning point for her work through trauma. There isn't any way I can equate that to the anger and rage I feel at the....what? At Tom and Dave, because they were there? No. I know they did everything in their power to be safe and find KC. At the Coast Guard? The Police and Sherrif's department? No. They also did everything they could. Am I angry at the Ocean? Yes. but this proves silly as the ocean has no intent one way or another, KC was in it by choice. Should I be mad at KC? How could I be? He always told me the way he lived his life ("to the fullest," as everyone would use this cliche like it means anything to me at all or somehow makes it "ok" that he is fucking dead and I am here without him) would result in his early departure from this world, and as much as I hated to hear him say that I can look back and know that he was right, and maybe part of me knew that then.
So with whom do I get to take out my anger and vengeful feelings? The only logical response would be myself. I can't do anything to the ocean, save maybe litter. But what would that do but harm the ecosystem. I would never take it out on the men who fought and searched and cried and begged to help KC, how could I? Everything they could have done was done. I am the only one. You could say I knew what I was in for, KC was an "extremest." He practically told me this would happen and I loved him enough to stick with him and just kindly ask him to not speak those truths aloud.
So what greater punishment should I incur? Any physical retribution is out of the question, I would never put my family through another tragedy if I can help it. I have already suffered the deepest pain I can imagine. Maybe I am already taking this out on me....the dreams, the fear, the anxiety, the inability to catch my breath just once for the last ten months, the unrelenting knot in my stomach, the constant double thinking, the notion that I will live the rest of my days without True Love, the lack of motivation, never feeling well rested, the constant wonder if I will live another day or if my time has run out, too. Well, Touche, Meg O, touche. I guess I am taking revenge, I just wonder when the feeling of satisfaction will ever be realized. Maybe never, and maybe that is me betraying myself, somehow, even further.
I was watching old episodes of Dexter the other night and there was a girl who was brutally tortured and Dexter was helping her get revenge on the men that did that to her. In a very weird way I felt jealous of this character. Like, she got to take revenge on these men and she felt satisfied afterward, a specific turning point for her work through trauma. There isn't any way I can equate that to the anger and rage I feel at the....what? At Tom and Dave, because they were there? No. I know they did everything in their power to be safe and find KC. At the Coast Guard? The Police and Sherrif's department? No. They also did everything they could. Am I angry at the Ocean? Yes. but this proves silly as the ocean has no intent one way or another, KC was in it by choice. Should I be mad at KC? How could I be? He always told me the way he lived his life ("to the fullest," as everyone would use this cliche like it means anything to me at all or somehow makes it "ok" that he is fucking dead and I am here without him) would result in his early departure from this world, and as much as I hated to hear him say that I can look back and know that he was right, and maybe part of me knew that then.
So with whom do I get to take out my anger and vengeful feelings? The only logical response would be myself. I can't do anything to the ocean, save maybe litter. But what would that do but harm the ecosystem. I would never take it out on the men who fought and searched and cried and begged to help KC, how could I? Everything they could have done was done. I am the only one. You could say I knew what I was in for, KC was an "extremest." He practically told me this would happen and I loved him enough to stick with him and just kindly ask him to not speak those truths aloud.
So what greater punishment should I incur? Any physical retribution is out of the question, I would never put my family through another tragedy if I can help it. I have already suffered the deepest pain I can imagine. Maybe I am already taking this out on me....the dreams, the fear, the anxiety, the inability to catch my breath just once for the last ten months, the unrelenting knot in my stomach, the constant double thinking, the notion that I will live the rest of my days without True Love, the lack of motivation, never feeling well rested, the constant wonder if I will live another day or if my time has run out, too. Well, Touche, Meg O, touche. I guess I am taking revenge, I just wonder when the feeling of satisfaction will ever be realized. Maybe never, and maybe that is me betraying myself, somehow, even further.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Nope
I take back that last post. I am not ready. I know that now. Oh well. Doomed to this lonely ass life. I miss KC.
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