The Social Fake

I just got home from a bachelorette party for my friend. She is a great girl and her fiance is amazing, I love them both and am so happy for the two of them. We had such a great time out in South Lake Tahoe, Some of my closest friends were there. We got all dressed up and went out for a great dinner and dancing, it really was a blast. I really felt like it was so fun while I was in it, except for maybe a few moments where it was pretty tough on me. When we were out I was so grossed out by all the dudes that were around.... I just kept picturing like, National Geographic type footage where some jungle cat is stalking prey only their drunk and stupid, and not cunning and beautiful. It made me so deeply sad to know that people like this are taking over the world, it seems, and KC is gone. How is that fair, or just? Well, it isn't. It isn't fair and I am the one who is the worst off as a result.
KC used to make stupid ass dudes like that his friend, too. He could be friends with anyone, he found good in even those douchey guys in night clubs. He would make them laugh or impress them by knowing a stat about Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. He would talk shit to these fools and they would just love him for it, they became a little better for the interaction with KC. I just got reminded so profoundly of how much worse off the whole world is because of a stupid fucking accident that fucked up all of these lives and it makes me so god damned angry. Angry and sad.
But, in that moment, what am i supposed to do? I am in a dance club with a friend of mine who is having a once-in-a-lifetime experience dancing and drinking and laughing with her friends because she is about to married to a great human being. I don't wanna fuck it up for her, no debbie-downer for me. so I fake it. I dance more. I smile bigger. I hoot and I holler at the Bachelorette and I hope my make up isn't running and that no one can tell that I am crying because I am so desperately lonely. I know that the girls I was out with would be nothing but compassionate and concerned and sweet and accepting, but this night is not about me. This night is for her. So i faked it. I really did have fun, for most of the time. Like, a great time! But I just think that the rest of my life is going to be peppered with these moments of "Social Fake" to get me through, quietly, without being noticed. Without anyone having to care for me or even feel bad that I am feeling bad. I hate that I do that to people anyway...but I know it's an inevitability. Mostly because I have awesome friends who genuinely give a shit about me and my fucked up life circumstance, so for that I am grateful. It's a bit of a burden, though, to know that you can bring down other people's moods because of your mood, when you have no control over your mood. I guess that's why I fake it. gotta get a little better at it, though, if i am gonna be able to keep this up.