So, this fuckin sucks. I am a lot of things to a lot of different people. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a cousin, an acquaintance. How does one really identify oneself? I feel like I am so many different things sometimes that I no longer really know how to relate to myself. It's kinda weird. I used to be a lot of things: a dancer, an artist, a student, a kid, a girlfriend and then a fiancee. I loved being the last two that I listed, I think I was really good at it. But what if i was only good at it because of KC? What if, because of how much KC loved me I just fell into this roll of "Meagan, the thoughtful, killer gf/fiancee who loves sitting and watching TV while my man snoozes and I fold his boxer-breifs." I like, loved that shit, legitimately. Who the fuck loves doing laundry, let alone for someone else? This me, that's who. I loved being out shopping for myself and finding more things that I wanted to get for him than for me...knowing how happy he would be to receive some silly little Led Zeppelin T Shirt or a 6 pack of Sam Adams. He was so easy to please because all he really wanted was me and he had me, fully. 
It makes me sad when I see people who are in relationships and they get jealous. I had little jealousies with KC at the beginning, but when I moved to Santa Barbara, I never worried about a thing with him. It's an interesting distinction between thinking something and knowing it. When you really KNOW something you don't have to question it. I KNEW that KC loved me and me alone. He would flirt with girls. I watched it. He flirted with my friends, my regulars at work, my bosses wife. But it was so genuinely sweet and funny that it never hurt me or made me question the relationship I was in, if anything it endeared him to me further because I knew what he was doing. He was making people feel good. Making them feel proud and happy about who they are and I just loved him for that. If you are reading this blog because you know me or you knew KC, you know this to be true because you have likely felt this from him before. He just had a way of making people feel so good about who they are and making people feel appreciated. Me, especially.
So here's the rub, the fucked up shit: what the fucking fuck am i supposed to do now? How can I ever, in a million years, expect to find someone that I love and loves me like this again??

I think I have asked this question before, but I haven't gotten an answer yet so I am still fuckin writing about it. The worst part? I want it so fucking badly it hurts. I see relationships everywhere and I am so deeply jealous sometimes I can't stand it. It hurts like daggers in my joints, keeping me from moving. I absolutely CRAVE the feelings KC gave me. The pride he felt for me. He used to tell me all the time how proud he was to be with me, that he was proud and it made him feel so good about himself that I would be with him. I never understood his feelings because I felt like i was the one who struck it big on the dumb luck that KC would want to be with me for a day, let alone his whole life. Maybe it is super selfish of me to feel like this, to think that I am deserving of this goodness not once in a lifetime, but twice, when some people don't get to have it at all. Maybe it is selfish, but I can't help it. He was like a drug to me. Now that I have had it, I need it again. I can't go back to Coors Light after the finest wine, I won't accept it. I won't settle. But when the finest wine is dried out, one is left only with the longing, a thirst that can't be quenched, a hunger that can't be satiated, a desire that cannot be fulfilled.
But......


Somehow, I have a little bit of hope. Only really because of my widows (the people I met at Camp Widow last month with whom I have somewhat kept  in contact). My widows have taught me that just as I never in a million years would have imagined I would find someone to love me as KC has loved me, there is the possibility to find love again as long as I am open to it. Life tends to be weird and fucked up and beautiful and scary and awesome. So maybe I will get another chance to fold up some chonies while a beautiful wonderful  dude snoozes to the left of me. Maybe I will get a chance to have a family of my own. It's the open mind thing that I have to stay focused on. Somehow, to reconcile mind and body and the differences they seem to share, I will have to open up and let myself love and be loved in a different way than it was with KC and make no comparisons where they are harmful instead of helpful. I know what values they (my future dude, should he be so kind as to exist and make his ass bloody well known, and KC) will have to share: liberal views on politics, the basic manners (be nice to people, goddamnit), loving the gays, loving all colors of peoples and respecting cultural differences, a zero tolerance for cheating, and the deep seeded desire to have a family. But these values can come in many forms, not in a KC-clone form....that would be too fuckin weird and I am totally opposed to the very thought of it. I don't want another KC, I just want to find someone who I can have a good relationship with who can make me laugh. But until I can consider this thought without crying or panicking or passing the fuck out, how do i deal with the overwhelming lack of affection in this life? I guess spooning my dog against her will will have to suffice.