It's interesting to take note of the things that have happened somewhat serendipitously since KC passed away. Things that wouldn't and couldn't have happened if I were still in Santa Barbara with KC. I have a job that makes me totally crazy and obsessive but I love it. Even though it is a huge step down in the pay department from bar tending, it is so fulfilling and I have met some of the best people working where I am. I work for a special education high school for kids with behavior issues, like autism or adhd. It's pretty challenging and patience-testing, but somehow i really love it. If i were still in Santa Barbara, I wouldn't be doing the work I am doing now.
I also have made some new friends and reconnected with old friends since i have been back in town. I feel strongly that these people were brought into my life to help me through this difficult time, because I have really taken a lot of strength from them. Old friends and new.
Perhaps most importantly, my sister and brother in law are pregnant! I am so happy to be up here and be a real part of everything that is happening with the new baby. They're due in February and I just really can't wait. They are even looking to buy a house, and if it all works out I might move in with them to help with the baby for a while. I get to be an Auntie. How cool is that? I guess no matter what, if I don't get to have kids of my own I will always be an Auntie. That's a pretty big deal. Being an Auntie from Santa Barbara would be a lot different. The kid would barely know me until they were like 5. fuck that! I want this kid to know their cool ass Auntie from the get-go!
These are just a few examples of positive things that have come about due to my relocation. I would honestly give it all up (ok not the Auntie stuff so easily) to have KC back and for us to continue our plan together.. but that isn't my reality any more. The reality is that he is gone, not by any one's choice. He's gone and he can't come back. My reality is that I am alone now, alone with amazing friends and amazing family and a great job and a beautiful roof over my head. Everything in my life is roses and daisies except for this one GIANT fucking hiccup where the true love in my life is gone forever. I just want to stress that...I am not a woe is me type. I am someone who looks for light and positivity and reconciliation and resolution and bright sides and none of it fucking matters when you are alone, even if you aren't alone.
I have no idea if any of that makes sense.
I am happy to be a part of my sister's exciting new life. I am happy to have such a tight bond with my awesome parents and in-laws. In many many ways, I am a happy human being, but something very integral is missing to make me complete, and his name is KC.
Every time I hear about KC I feel so grateful to him for being such an incredible person in your life, and for helping you to become the amazing person you are today.
ReplyDeleteI know none of that matters when you're mourning the loss of a future you almost had together. I wish I had some deep, important words to share that could quell the unspoken despair, but there just aren't any.
It might be the most draining experience there is, but I like to think that if we can just give as much love back to the world as we've been given by those we lost too soon, then maybe, maybe for a moment, the world has to make sense.