It is so crazy how after I met KC, I couldn't picture my life without him. For a long time after he passed away I felt like I was going through life without really living it, because how could I be living without KC here? It's kind of scary now that I am removed so far from my life with KC that it's hard to know what my life would be if he were still here. I guess we would just be coming home from Alaska, I would be trying on wedding dresses. We would be looking at houses to buy, somewhere in a good school district with a big enough yard to house a boat and still have room for a garden and a place for our kids to play. Instead of that, I am in my parents house, laying in bed without any motivation to get up and do anything. I justify this, "It's Sunday, there's football on, My neck hurts, I'm still getting over being sick." Truth? I am fucking sad. I miss KC. KC wouldn't have let me stay in bed til 11:30, we would be biking to Goleta pier, walking on the SB bluffs, fishing, "dippin through the hood," (what KC used to call taking a drive though town). I would have a life. Right now, in this moment, I don't feel like I have a life. I know I do, like, I'm breathing and shit like that, but what kind of life is this? I guess I do good things, my job and whatever. It feels good, sometimes. But I miss loving someone. I miss being loved. I feel like even though I have people who love me and know that I am still hurting, I have to hide what I am feeling. Understand, no one in my life wants me to feel this way, this is self-imposed. I don't want people that I love to know what I am feeling all the time. Like, literally, my mom just knocked on my door while I am writing this blog and I pretended I was crying. I know she could tell, but I am happy that she didn't ask me about it. I know that when I am sad, it makes the people who love me sad. I don't like to be responsible for the people that I love feeling sad. I hate that I have that affect on people. I used to make the people around me happy. I wish I could get back to that. Making people happy instead of sad.
Shoulds:
Get out of bed
Go to the gym
Call a friend to do something
Go outside
Walk my dog
Stop trying to hide things
Cook a healthy meal and enjoy it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
Meditate
Probably none of that is going to happen.
Is this what my life is going to be from now on? I am terrified of this. I am always ---fuck! Mom just came in again and she saw me crying. This time she talked to me and I know she knows I am sad, and now I know she is sad and that is my fault. fuck fuck fuck I hate that this is my life right now. fuck this
the lion king in 3d needs to happen. for the entire duration you're going to be singing and crying like a BOSS to how fucking relevant lions are to our lives.
ReplyDeletefuck being sad -- watch some lions.
hit me up.
yes i recognize the hypocrisy in the fact that i canceled our lion king date because i was sad.
shut up about it.