Sometimes it sucks to be right

one of the first things I can remember saying after I heard that KC died was "it's never going to be ok."
I thought later, perhaps it was hyperbole.
Nope. I was right.

and tragedy strikes yet again

An old friend of mine, actually he and I dated before KC and I met, his little brother died yesterday. He was 19. His body was found under a large bridge in San Diego, and no one knows what happened. As soon as I heard this devastating news I was brought back to the feelings I had when KC was missing. I still don't know what was worse, the not knowing or the knowing. There is a lot that I will never know about what happened to KC, I don't know what his last words were, or his final thoughts. I don't know if he suffered much, or even exactly what happened to get him stuck. We will never know. Maybe that is for the best, but maybe not. wonder is a tough thing when it is something so powerful, so all encompassing. Before we found out that KC's equipment malfunctioned I envisioned the worst. I pictured him stuck, his tank caught and he was unable to free himself. I pictured him panicking, suffering and terrified. I know now that he didn't suffer long, and that brings me some peace but it doesn't take away the nightmares i had, and still have.
I can't believe that this is what my old friend's family is dealing with. I can't believe another family's lives are ruined and they don't even know what happened. It fucking breaks my heart in half. I can picture them, in the same place I was just over a year ago. I want to tell them it will be ok, but I can't. I want to tell them I know what they are feeling but I don't. I want to tell them he is in a better place but that is bullshit and they know it. I just want to hold Kev, be there for him, and let him see and feel my empathy, wordless and stuck in the knowing that this shit fucking sucks and no one and nothing can help, and somehow let all that help him. I want to bake cookies for the family and read them affirmations and guide them in meditation so they may quiet their minds for even a moment, and maybe feel a modicum of relief. But, I can't. And ultimately none of that will help. When tragedy strikes we have 1 choice and 1 choice only: die, or keep living without the one we lost. It's a shitty choice. It's so limited and limiting and your don't want to choose either one, but it is the choice with which we are left. I know Kev, though we haven't been close for some time, I know him. He will make the tough choice to keep going. I just wish I had learned something helpful through my loss, something that could help him or his family. I have wracked my brain all day to think of the right thing to tell him, but it isn't there. There can't be a right thing to say, because what happened is so wrong. There isn't a right answer when everything is wrong. So right now, all I can do is cry.

Can it happen again?

I am really wondering whether lightening can strike twice. I hate that I am so preoccupied with this. I have so much going on, work, school, a new niece, bills to pay, awesome friends to hang out with and make me happy. I am even currently on vacation in beautiful sunny Florida and all I can think about is boys. I think about KC most, but lately it has been a lot about how I will never get to be with him again. That breaks my heart every time the thought pops into my head, but more because I don't think I will ever fall in love again. I want it so badly, too. I loved being in love. I still love love, even though love hurt me worse than anything I coulda fucking imagined but I want it back. It's like love is an abusive boyfriend that keeps hurting me and I keep coming back for more, trying to justify why I stay. But the fact remains, I was a good girlfriend. I was a good fiance and I would have made a fucking awesome wife. I want to be able to be that for someone, I want to be that for me. I am not ashamed that I want a husband, I am however, fairly certain that I am not going to get the chance. Guys are fucking douchebags, and it is SO hard to find a good one, let alone a good one to whom I am attracted and actually likes me back. What are the odds that I would ever fall in love with an amazing man who has fallen in love with me, let alone the odds of that happening twice?
Look I am not claiming doomsday bullshit where I think I am just going to be totally alone for the rest of my days, wearing black staring out a window looking at the rain pensively. I am sure I will date guys. I may even have relationships again. I just don't think it is probable for me to think I will find another man who is perfect for ME like KC was. It's a numbers game, and I am on the losing end. It's a fucking bummer.
Fun fact, my mother drove me to the airport on my way out of cali and on to Florida. she said I am not allowed to fall in love with some dude out here and stay here.....I cracked up. Like that could happen.....

tried and failed

I tried dating. I went on a few dates with a few guys. I went on a few dates with one guy in particular. I feel empty and ashamed and deeply sad for what I had and lost. The ease in which we interacted, the commonality we shared while maintaining our independent selves. It was so easy with KC, right away. It felt right from the get go and I will never have that again. I will never have him again. I am only solidifying in my mind that I am destined to be alone. I can't ever settle for less than what and who KC was, and it is impossible to have him again. So where does that leave me? Alone.
And it isn't as if i am constantly depressed, I have joyful times for sure. But the level I was at before, I won't get there again. I know it. And that is a tough pill to swallow.
I feel sad today, after a date last night. I think that's just how it is going to be for me. Not everyone gets to be truly fulfilled and happy. I am not one of the lucky ones. And that's neither good or bad, it just is.

Moving Onward....forrealthistime

I may never be as happy as I was when I was with KC. I accept that. However, it isn't only 1 or 100, there are plenty of numbers in between. I think I can be happy again sharing affection with another man. I want that very much even though it scares the hell out of me. Just because I may not be as happy as I was, I can be happier than I am now. I'm alive, I am capable of love and I am lovable. Time to make it happen.

Get out!

Get out of your own head, for like, one minute! Get out get out get out!!!! Just let things happen and feel good when you feel good, quit thinking about everything so much!! Get ouuuuuuttt!!!!!

Getting comfortable with the reality of "Onward"

Yesterday I think I had a flirtatious exchange with a man. It's all very strange, mostly because it didn't feel all together very strange. It felt....fun. Nice. Kind of exciting, even. The story goes, my good friend works at a nice bar downtown and knows one of the bartenders there pretty well. He's a bit older than me and just got out of a very long term relationship because the girl he was with doesn't want what he wants, being marriage and children. (this is all second hand intel on him from said friend of mine). Just as I was trying to work through the fact that in order to have those things, marriage and children, of my own, I would have to date again: my girl tells me "I want you to meet this dude I work with." Holy jesus, shit just got REAL. A few weeks ago I went into her bar and met this dude, he was our server. He was pleasant and I was awkward and  I was fairly sure that I had made no impression on him whatsoever, but I did notice something. I was attracted to him. Hella weird, because though for the last year i pretty much had blinders on, I could still recognize an attractive person, I just didn't care about it one way or the other. This time, and I still don't know how, but I kinda cared. I cared about  what he thought of me. I attributed this mostly to the fact that my girl had talked to him about me and I knew that, so I wanted to be sure I was maing a good impression, even though I felt quite certain I had made no impression at all. Well, I guess I was wrong about that.
I went into that restaurant yesterday to meet some friends and I was the first to arrive. I was mildly embarrassed to show up to a bar (where i won't drink) alone, in front of the first man I thought was cute. He came to my table and showed me the happy hour menu, gave me a minute to look it over. He came back around and I asked him to make me a "mocktail" (non-alcoholic cocktail) and he said, "oh sure thing, just like last time," smiled, and walked back behind the bar. In my head? Holy shit, he remembers me. Weird. He came back with my drink and introduced himself, and we chatted for a moment about our time spent for the holidays. We agreed we were glad they were over with. Stressful. My friends came in and he went back behind the bar. After a while, my friends and I moved from the table to the bar so we could better see monday night football, and I chatted with him off and on throughout the night. The whole time it felt like I should feel weird about it but I just really didn't. It was oddly comfortable and I was really having fun. He is super nice and likes the niners, so we got along well. I have been thinking about it a lot because when I got home last night and looked at the picture of myself and KC on my nightstand i got an overwhelming sense of guilt. Like a cheating feeling though I know that isn't the case here. One of my girlfriends had made a very good point to me: I have spent the last year fine tuning my ability to feel my feelings and own them, happy sad good or bad. So why should this be different? Why should I question or deny these feelings now? Why can't new feelings coexist with grief, they will have to if I ever plan to date because the grief doesn't go away. And isn't this part of the plan? It's scary because it's a first for a lot of feelings but it is exciting too. If I am going to live true to the mantra "Onward" that I have adopted, I have to let myself be open to these feelings, including the fear. It's time to quit speaking of Onward, and live it. So here we go, Happy New Year!