Happy Valentine's Day

Today is a little rough and tough for me, but I have to remember that I am lucky. Seriously lucky. I am lucky because for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be, I will have always known True Love because I was loved by KC. He made me believe that love could be like what we read in poetry and see in films. It is because of who he was that I allowed myself to really open my heart and become so vulnerable as to fully experience a reciprocal and beautiful love. One that was so strong that strangers would tell us at restaurants what a sweet couple we were and that they could see how in love we were. KC's love hit me like a bullet and I never looked back; I never doubted it. Because of KC and the deep, profound way he loved me, I am able to love back in the same way, in all of my relationships, even those that haven't yet been forged. I am a product of True Love and today is the day that is celebrated. This is a picture of a sign KC made for me for our first Valentine's Day together. He worked on it for hours and brought it to my work to show everyone how he loved me. The poster is about 20 feet long, so KC asked our dear friend Trevor to hold up the other end. I remember being behind the bar when they came in and held this sign and I was so nervous thinking that KC was proposing to me. I just kept thinking "I don't want to get engaged at Outback!!!" I was floored by his grand gesture, and the sweet, proud smile on his face is something I will never ever forget. I miss KC and the love that we shared. Today, with a heavy, heavy heart, I remember how lucky I am to have known this great and tragic love. And to you, my facebook family, know that when I say I Love You, I mean it from the deepest, most sacred part of my soul, because that is the only way I know how to love anymore.

Green Giant

I am in a slump right now, and I am noticing how my grief has changed. In the beginning I was paralyzed, numb, a shell of who I was. I really do feel like I am as back to *me* as I am going to get, while knowing I will never be the same person I was before. I still miss KC the same way, desperately and angrily and passionately. But I also mourn him other ways. I mourn our future. I guess because I am trying so hard now to find the way to make a family for myself I am feeling more acutely the loss of what KC and I had planned. I feel so cheated. I feel so nervous about whether or not I will be able to find someone who loves me. When I think about this logically, it doesn't really make sense to me, I should be able to find someone. Other women my age find men to be their boyfriends, those boyfriends propose marriage, marriage leads to children; it's the natural order of things. I am still somewhat young at 29, definitely not out to pasture yet. I am reasonably attractive; no cloven hooves or warts on the nose. I love sports and fishing and action movies, I am smart and funny. I should have men knocking down my door left and right. But I really, really don't. The dude I was seeing for a couple months was about the nicest guy I could have asked for and he fell off the face of the planet for almost three weeks before sending a dumb ass cop out "breakup" text. Is this really what I have in store? After all I have learned and experienced, I am still subject to this nonsense? WTF?!
Today I went to a baby shower for a friend of the family. She is 21 years old, and a total doll, I just adore her. As soon as I walked in I felt like I was choking. It was as if I had the wind knocked out of me. Between peeping into the lives of old acquaintances on facebook and seeing that everyone and their fucking mother is getting married and making babies, then walking into the reality of a close friend, who happens to be 8 years younger than me, having a child with a loving and committed boyfriend; it was just too much. I got so sad. I was stifling tears the whole time and if I hadn't come with my mother and sister I probably would have left. I hate that I can't be happy for other people because I am so jealous. That isn't who I want to be. But I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop feeling the way that I feel and wanting what I want. I just want it. In a perfect world I could jump to 6 months into a relationship with the perfect combination of John Legend and Phil Dunfy from Modern Family. I know that is stupid wishful thinking that is not anywhere in the neighborhood of constructive, but again, I just can't help myself.
So what am I going to do about this?
I am going to become the best version of myself that I possibly can. I am going to get healthy, I start dance classes next week, I am going to finish school, I am going to keep busy and put myself out into situations where networking will be done. Then I will be my most attractive, and if I still can't get a man, I will just, shit I don't know. I will just keep getting better at being an Auntie and file for adoption. I don't want to do it on my own, but I want to be a mom more than I don't want to be a single mom. So, there's that.

I just want to feel FUCKING HAPPY

All I want is to feel happy again. I have all of the pieces in which to do so, except for one big fat gaping hole that keeps me from it. I want a husband and children. And I feel strongly that my desire for this is exactly what will keep me from it. Maybe I just get to be the number 1 Auntie of all time, which don't get me wrong, is awesome. But I just feel, *fuck*, unfulfilled. I don't see that changing anytime, or any way, soon. Lookin a little grim, folks. Not gon lie. Lookin a little mother fucking face palming toe stubbing shit stepping red lighting grim.

I had it right in the palm of my hand.

I am so fucking tired of this dating thing and I have been doing it for less than two months. It is fucking exhausting. It makes me think things about myself I wouldn't otherwise think. It makes me feel sad when I should otherwise feel good. It makes me terrified of a future spent alone. It lowers my self confidence, it makes me feel dependent, and it just god damned stresses me out. I had everything I ever wanted in the palm of my young, happy little hand. and POOF. Gone. Now I have to start all over again and it just isn't fair. I am so desperately lonely, the loneliness is tangible, real, physical, visceral. I just want to love someone and have them love me back. I just want to cultivate a family, a partnership, a life with someone I love who fucking loves me back. I am beginning to think, again, that I just am not one of the chosen who get to have what they want. 14 year old me is dying inside.

New Year. New Shit. Let's do this.

Happy 2013, my friends! I have been waiting all year for this new year, so it better be good! I am coming to you live and in color from a brand new perspective. 2 years and then some have passed since I lost my beautiful, loving fiance in a tragic and unexpected accident. KC and I were only together for less than 3 years, and so this seems a little strange to me, that he has now been gone almost as long as we were together, as long as I knew the man.  I mourn him daily in quiet, private ways. It can be a thought, a chuckle, a memory, a frustration; but I still have him near and dear to me every single day. With this, I have begun (as previously blogged) to date another man. This man is similar and different to KC in a lot of ways....let me clarify that thought. He is similar to KC in the way that he treats people, he is kind and considerate and a happy, busy, hardworking man. He likes to fish and crab and be with family and friends. He is different in the way that he looks and a few other subtle qualities. I, however, and reverted back to the same insecure weird young lady I was before meeting KC and I am constantly questioning everything about this new guy until I am sufficiently frustrated or sad or sure that New Guy is over it and that I will die alone. *ssiiiigggghhh* Oh, brain, why you gotta play a sista this way?!
 Yet, my perspective is changing, like I said. I was told once, at Camp Widow, that I should never look to fill the whole that KC left in my heart with another man. Though I never thought I would intend to do so, it was still important for me to hear. I should be cultivating a happy, rich, and fulfilled life on my own so that when the opportunity for male companionship presents itself, I will be ready to complement my already fabulous life with this little bit of icing. So, that is my new perspective! So simple, but takes a bit of work to really get there. I like my life! I haven't been able to really accept that since KC has been gone, but where I am right now, I am happy, again. I have an amazing new niece and nephew that bring me immense joy. I have a job that leaves me feeling accomplished and appreciated. I am doing very well in school and will have a Bachelors in Psychology by the end of Spring. I have fabulous friends who entertain me and enrich my life every day. And now, I even have this New Guy icing peppered into my life approximately once a week.  I am not going to over analyze things and wonder what I should say or how I should say it or read into text messages, that is all a bunch of bull shit. I live my life honestly and I trust the people in my life to pay me the same respect. New Guy has not given me a reason to not trust him, so I will trust him. It's only fair.
 The cool thing about this new perspective is that it is very freeing. I feel like I don't have to be a part of a game, or hide my feelings about KC, or worry about things which before were troubling me (like: negative thinking, self-doubt, contingent feelings about self based on inferences of others feelings about me) I just don't have to do that anymore. I am living my life the way that I want to live it; still cultivating my rich and happy life while allowing others to be a part of that if they want to, and if they don't, I'm ok with that too. I have survived far worse than rejection (from men, jobs, etc) and I feel strong in my convictions that I am a god person who deserves to be happy. So why not just let myself be happy?
 So that is my goal for the new year, keep it simple, get happy, live my life with love as my co-pilot. I think I am going to stick to this resolution! It just feels too good not to!
Happy Motherfuckin New Year, Ya'll!!

Today is a day that makes me fucking hate to be widowed. Scratch that, there aren't ever days that I'm like, "Oh yea, I am one sexy ass widow and proud of it!" But some days I feel empowered, more compassionate, more knowledgeable, more sympathetic, empathetic, stronger, all of these really positive things as a result of what I have survived. Today is not one of those days. I didn't have a great day at work. I had to physically restrain a kid and that always sucks, especially when it results in back pain.  My car is falling apart, and as I have a shit-for-pay job I am not really able to give it the TLC it deserves, and therefore Optimus Prime is swiftly becoming a hooptie. Not super fun to "dip through the hood" in (as KC would have said). I am coming towards the end of a very stressful class in school and I am not feeling very confident in what I will turn in on Saturday. I have started to see a boy, socially. This, I think, is really what is causing me inner turmoil. I like him. It is unexpected. He was unexpected. I really like being with him and I find myself thinking of him often. He is terribly kind, and attentive, and funny, and sweet. He is much different physically than any one who I have ever dated in the past, though I guess I never really did have a "type."  Things are progressing slowly which is great, I need it that way, but I am just so bad at this. I never thought I would have to do it again, and frankly, I was never really any good at this dating stuff. KC was, he taught me how to be with him. This new guy is different, which is great, but similar, which is also great, but weird. I worry about texting him too much or bugging him. I just don't fucking know how to do this! I don't know how to talk to him about my feelings because it would make the feelings really real to say them out loud.
All of this is another reminder of my loss all the time, not that I need any reminders, but still. I am trying so hard to be open and just let things unfold naturally, and I think I am being successful in that when in the moment with him. I am just scared. There are implications and things that pop into my head all the time, like introducing him to family and friends who knew KC. I worry so much about how these people in my life may respond to him---or me with him---and what they will think about all of it. I guess I just wonder how people could possibly understand the co-existence of romantic feelings in such a way when I don't understand it myself. I still love and miss KC desperately, but yet I have these new romantic feelings about another man, a good man, and I don't even really know what these feelings mean, so how could I possibly expect him to understand, or my parents, or KC's dad and sister, or anyone? Will people feel that I am betraying KC's memory? That is the last thing I want. Will I be able to really fall in love again? I don't know. If I can't answer these questions, maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone yet. But the fact remains, the new guy makes me happy when I am with him, and I continue wanting to be with him, so it wouldn't be true to me to stop this.....right? Or am I justifying neglectful and disrespectful and hurtful behavior to meet my own selfish and primal needs? What I do know is it that it feels good to be wanted, to be doted upon, to be touched sweetly and held gently. I miss these things and I want them again, but maybe I don't really get them again. Maybe it isn't in the cards. But then again, maybe it is. I'm not putting pressure on this new *relationship* nor am I operating under the delusion that this dude has to be the man I marry in order to entertain the thought of dating him, but it is just tough to not go there. So here I am, delirious after a long, shit day, and questioning everything I know and feel while successfully avoiding writing my paper. What do I do? Fuck if I know. Happy hump day, hahahaha....


*** I seriously doubt it, but New Guy, if you're reading this, please don't get scared away! I am not quite as crazy as my blog might make me sound, this is merely my stream of consciousness and mode of catharsis to release all my muhfuckin crazy. If you are reading this, and you are NOT scared away, I guess we got something good goin...so there's that.

Ramblin.

The holidays are rapidly approaching and I am getting exponentially weaker by the day. Thanksgiving is difficult, a KC proposed to me the day after what used to be my favorite holiday. Now it is sullies with bad memories and heartache. Though this year will be a little different, my niece and nephew will be joining the family table for the first time. I swear to *God* babies are like little tiny human prozac...they just make shit better. I feel like things have been going along pretty well, even with thoughts of KC heavy on my mind lately, I have been handling the thoughts well and even been able to get out some joyful feelings from what are normally hurtful, painful shitty fucking feelings. I have widowed friends, ya know? I have lots of widowed women in my life who are beautiful, passionate, sweet, empathetic, amazing women who lift me up all of the time. I have become a counselor to them as they have been to me. My good friend recently lost her father and her mother and I now share this title: Widow. It's so strange, this instant connection. This bond forged from unimaginable pain. But it is real, just as real as any other bond forged for any good reason. I am lucky to know and learn and grow these women. We are lucky to have found this community of support and hope. One of the women whom I have met at Camp Widow is recently engaged and elated about life. I envy her that, but more than envy I am happy and hopeful. Whatever is right for me will happen, and until then: my mission is ME. I am reconnecting with ME. I am getting healthy. I am getting strong. I am re-affirming that I am a woman who is worthy of love. I am finding out how to look sexy, feel sexy, exude sexy, and BE sexy because I want to and I can. I am unabashedly who I am. And I like it. The rest....well....the rest will surely come. And if not....fuck it. I'll look good.........