Green Giant

I am in a slump right now, and I am noticing how my grief has changed. In the beginning I was paralyzed, numb, a shell of who I was. I really do feel like I am as back to *me* as I am going to get, while knowing I will never be the same person I was before. I still miss KC the same way, desperately and angrily and passionately. But I also mourn him other ways. I mourn our future. I guess because I am trying so hard now to find the way to make a family for myself I am feeling more acutely the loss of what KC and I had planned. I feel so cheated. I feel so nervous about whether or not I will be able to find someone who loves me. When I think about this logically, it doesn't really make sense to me, I should be able to find someone. Other women my age find men to be their boyfriends, those boyfriends propose marriage, marriage leads to children; it's the natural order of things. I am still somewhat young at 29, definitely not out to pasture yet. I am reasonably attractive; no cloven hooves or warts on the nose. I love sports and fishing and action movies, I am smart and funny. I should have men knocking down my door left and right. But I really, really don't. The dude I was seeing for a couple months was about the nicest guy I could have asked for and he fell off the face of the planet for almost three weeks before sending a dumb ass cop out "breakup" text. Is this really what I have in store? After all I have learned and experienced, I am still subject to this nonsense? WTF?!
Today I went to a baby shower for a friend of the family. She is 21 years old, and a total doll, I just adore her. As soon as I walked in I felt like I was choking. It was as if I had the wind knocked out of me. Between peeping into the lives of old acquaintances on facebook and seeing that everyone and their fucking mother is getting married and making babies, then walking into the reality of a close friend, who happens to be 8 years younger than me, having a child with a loving and committed boyfriend; it was just too much. I got so sad. I was stifling tears the whole time and if I hadn't come with my mother and sister I probably would have left. I hate that I can't be happy for other people because I am so jealous. That isn't who I want to be. But I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop feeling the way that I feel and wanting what I want. I just want it. In a perfect world I could jump to 6 months into a relationship with the perfect combination of John Legend and Phil Dunfy from Modern Family. I know that is stupid wishful thinking that is not anywhere in the neighborhood of constructive, but again, I just can't help myself.
So what am I going to do about this?
I am going to become the best version of myself that I possibly can. I am going to get healthy, I start dance classes next week, I am going to finish school, I am going to keep busy and put myself out into situations where networking will be done. Then I will be my most attractive, and if I still can't get a man, I will just, shit I don't know. I will just keep getting better at being an Auntie and file for adoption. I don't want to do it on my own, but I want to be a mom more than I don't want to be a single mom. So, there's that.