Today is a day that makes me fucking hate to be widowed. Scratch that, there aren't ever days that I'm like, "Oh yea, I am one sexy ass widow and proud of it!" But some days I feel empowered, more compassionate, more knowledgeable, more sympathetic, empathetic, stronger, all of these really positive things as a result of what I have survived. Today is not one of those days. I didn't have a great day at work. I had to physically restrain a kid and that always sucks, especially when it results in back pain.  My car is falling apart, and as I have a shit-for-pay job I am not really able to give it the TLC it deserves, and therefore Optimus Prime is swiftly becoming a hooptie. Not super fun to "dip through the hood" in (as KC would have said). I am coming towards the end of a very stressful class in school and I am not feeling very confident in what I will turn in on Saturday. I have started to see a boy, socially. This, I think, is really what is causing me inner turmoil. I like him. It is unexpected. He was unexpected. I really like being with him and I find myself thinking of him often. He is terribly kind, and attentive, and funny, and sweet. He is much different physically than any one who I have ever dated in the past, though I guess I never really did have a "type."  Things are progressing slowly which is great, I need it that way, but I am just so bad at this. I never thought I would have to do it again, and frankly, I was never really any good at this dating stuff. KC was, he taught me how to be with him. This new guy is different, which is great, but similar, which is also great, but weird. I worry about texting him too much or bugging him. I just don't fucking know how to do this! I don't know how to talk to him about my feelings because it would make the feelings really real to say them out loud.
All of this is another reminder of my loss all the time, not that I need any reminders, but still. I am trying so hard to be open and just let things unfold naturally, and I think I am being successful in that when in the moment with him. I am just scared. There are implications and things that pop into my head all the time, like introducing him to family and friends who knew KC. I worry so much about how these people in my life may respond to him---or me with him---and what they will think about all of it. I guess I just wonder how people could possibly understand the co-existence of romantic feelings in such a way when I don't understand it myself. I still love and miss KC desperately, but yet I have these new romantic feelings about another man, a good man, and I don't even really know what these feelings mean, so how could I possibly expect him to understand, or my parents, or KC's dad and sister, or anyone? Will people feel that I am betraying KC's memory? That is the last thing I want. Will I be able to really fall in love again? I don't know. If I can't answer these questions, maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone yet. But the fact remains, the new guy makes me happy when I am with him, and I continue wanting to be with him, so it wouldn't be true to me to stop this.....right? Or am I justifying neglectful and disrespectful and hurtful behavior to meet my own selfish and primal needs? What I do know is it that it feels good to be wanted, to be doted upon, to be touched sweetly and held gently. I miss these things and I want them again, but maybe I don't really get them again. Maybe it isn't in the cards. But then again, maybe it is. I'm not putting pressure on this new *relationship* nor am I operating under the delusion that this dude has to be the man I marry in order to entertain the thought of dating him, but it is just tough to not go there. So here I am, delirious after a long, shit day, and questioning everything I know and feel while successfully avoiding writing my paper. What do I do? Fuck if I know. Happy hump day, hahahaha....


*** I seriously doubt it, but New Guy, if you're reading this, please don't get scared away! I am not quite as crazy as my blog might make me sound, this is merely my stream of consciousness and mode of catharsis to release all my muhfuckin crazy. If you are reading this, and you are NOT scared away, I guess we got something good goin...so there's that.

Ramblin.

The holidays are rapidly approaching and I am getting exponentially weaker by the day. Thanksgiving is difficult, a KC proposed to me the day after what used to be my favorite holiday. Now it is sullies with bad memories and heartache. Though this year will be a little different, my niece and nephew will be joining the family table for the first time. I swear to *God* babies are like little tiny human prozac...they just make shit better. I feel like things have been going along pretty well, even with thoughts of KC heavy on my mind lately, I have been handling the thoughts well and even been able to get out some joyful feelings from what are normally hurtful, painful shitty fucking feelings. I have widowed friends, ya know? I have lots of widowed women in my life who are beautiful, passionate, sweet, empathetic, amazing women who lift me up all of the time. I have become a counselor to them as they have been to me. My good friend recently lost her father and her mother and I now share this title: Widow. It's so strange, this instant connection. This bond forged from unimaginable pain. But it is real, just as real as any other bond forged for any good reason. I am lucky to know and learn and grow these women. We are lucky to have found this community of support and hope. One of the women whom I have met at Camp Widow is recently engaged and elated about life. I envy her that, but more than envy I am happy and hopeful. Whatever is right for me will happen, and until then: my mission is ME. I am reconnecting with ME. I am getting healthy. I am getting strong. I am re-affirming that I am a woman who is worthy of love. I am finding out how to look sexy, feel sexy, exude sexy, and BE sexy because I want to and I can. I am unabashedly who I am. And I like it. The rest....well....the rest will surely come. And if not....fuck it. I'll look good.........

Who's that girl?! It's MEG!

My life tends to play out like a poorly written sitcom. I have weird shit happen to me and it always seems to work out alright, ya know, as long as people are alive. I decided to take my future relationship life into my own hands and make myself a little more available to men. I reconnected with a guy from high school recently and wanted to hang out with him so we made plans. It was funny, because I didn't know if it was going to be a date or just like, two old friends hanging out. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it must be a date, it seemed that I had asked this man out and he accepted. Then the night came that we were going to get together, and he invited his friend. Ok, well at least now i know! Not a date, haha.. Granted, it's an old friend of mine as well, and in the end I had a great time out with two really awesome dudes. But I just thought it was pretty funny...and it gets a little better. If you have read this blog for a while, you may know that I had been asked out around new years by a friend of a friend who was a bartender in town. He and I went out on one date and I never heard from him again.  Yea, so his bar where I was supposed to meet my "date" last night.... Let's just line up all the men who have rejected me in one room, get it over with! Put me out of my misery! This dating thing is bound to be bumpy, I hope I can begin to regain some semblence of intuition for men who are interested versus men who just want to be nice...haha. Maybe this is all part of the fun, the point is, my awkward ass is back out there on the market. Even if it is one calamity after another, I am confident in my ridiculousness, and it at least entertains me. I know it won't take me down because I have endured far worse than rejection in my life, and grown through it all. It's all an adventure, and I am in it!

Doin it

Heading down to see my Santa Barbara family this weekend, KC's dad is going to take me fishing for the first time since KC and I fished together in AK. I am a little nervous, but really excited too. I feel like I am in a pretty good place heading down there right now, I am taking control over a lot in my life and trying to do my best to say YES more often. That is what KC did, and that is what I want to do. It isn't really easy, but I am tired of watching the clock tick by and waiting to feel happy again. If I keep waiting, it's gonna be a long fucking road. I started my life without KC over a year and a half ago, but I don't feel like I have done very much living. It's damn well time to start. I am saying yes, I am getting healthy and strong, I am opening my heart to love and life. I am achieving goals and finishing school and saying what I mean and doing what feels right. I am living a life. I wish it could be with KC by my side, but I don't have that choice anymore. So I will do better than make do. I will live. I will love. I will experience. I will grow. Starting, now.

Going

I need to get moving. I am 28 years old, widowed for a year and a half. I feel as though I keep watching people live life in front of me as though I am watching a program on TV. Things are happening to the people around me and I am plugging along I guess, but I don't know that I am really living, like I was with KC. I need to get back out there, I need to feel love again in many senses. I have these goals (finishing school, getting my own apartment, but more importantly having a family). I operate under no delusion that this will be an easy task, but I want it. I want it so badly. I miss the little things about being in a relationship, like buying little presents, holding hands and stealing a kiss in a movie theater, walking hand in hand down the street and even those stupid little fights about laundry and dishes). It's tough to see that possibility, it makes me mourn KC even more. But there is one thing I know about KC; he wanted me to be a mother. I need to be a mother. So, off I go, into the world, truly open to the possibility of meeting someone again for the first time. How bad could it be?

Goodbye, Aunt Carolyn

I learned yesterday that my Aunt passed away in her sleep. She had been suffering from a very aggressive and painful type of lung cancer, and now her suffering is over, and the suffering of my family continues on. She was an incredible example to the world of what a woman should be; kind, intelligent, funny, beautiful and grounded. Aunt Carolyn never took any shit, not from her husband (my awesome Uncle Danny), her three kids, or anyone. She could party with the best of them but maintained responsibility with grace and calm. She was a real woman, and she cared for my family when we lost KC. I will do the same for her family now.
Last night I had a little chat with my new niece and told her about her Aunt Carolyn, about how great of an Aunt she was to me, and how because of her I will be a great Aunt to her. I hope I can live up to that promise.
Goodbye Carolyn, I will feel the love you have given my family in my heart until my time on this earth is over.

It is time to....

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

 

 These last couple of lines are what are hitting me the hardest right now. It is only through love that we live, and without love there is no life. I know KC's love, and will know it forever. It is how I know that I am alive. But it is time to open my eyes, love, and go onward. I am not quite sure how, but it is time.