Themes and therapy.

I recently finished seven, 12-hour days of school in a row.  I am in school to get my master's in counseling psychology and hopefully get my MFT license.  The school that I chose is not your run of the mill school, but used to be named the Institute for Transformative Learning, or something like that.  Long story short, it is a hippy dippy new wave institution in which I have grown and learned a TON and I fucking love it, but it is really hard.  Like, really hard.  Not like, damn, it's tough to be in school such long hours because listening to a lecture is tough, but more like, damn, I am doing so much work on myself and I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out because I have been crying so much.

It's a lot like therapy, but it's education.

This past week I learned a lot about myself as I was pushed by a difficult person in my cohort.  A common theme came up in my life that I guess I had always known was there, but I wasn't working with or processing in any healthy way.  That theme is that good things in my life get cut short and then I shut down.

Seriously. Think about that for a hot second.

I am sure it happened before KC died, and it stands to reason that this is just a natural rhythm of life. Good things happen, bad things happen, wash, rinse, repeat.  But the shut down part, that is a problem.  It's a problem because it keeps me from having experiences and I am afraid I am missing valuable time in my life.  Maybe this is why I am not able to successfully date someone.  Maybe this is why I have only gone for unavailable men since I tried to start dating.  Maybe this is why when things start going well for me, I get ill.

What I know is that I am wasting time and I don't have much of it, so I want to make it worth something.  I don't want fear to rule my life.  I don't want to be the Debbie Downer-let's-live-like-everything-is-shit-because-eventually-we'll-all-be-dead character who I see myself becoming. I need to be able to trust people.  I need to be able to trust the world around me.  I need to believe that love is still an available option for me.  And the most salient point? I need help.  I am not healthy in the mind body soul kind of way that I want to be.  So I am looking for a good therapist. Know someone? Let me know.  I want to disrupt this theme in my life and be able to be a well-adjusted person who believes in the goodness that I do know is there. I just need to be able to tap into that and find a way to become willing to risk pain for love again.

I just wonder if that is possible.

Panic

Sometimes, in grief, I notice these moments of panic. They are subtle and internal, which I suppose makes panic seem, well, hyperbole. I keep these feelings subtle because I know if I do what my body wants to do I will ruin my life. If I do what I am supposed to do, what my body and heart wants, like throw a giant fucking fit, or cut myself, or get drunk, or take meds, run away, or shut down, if I do that there will be consequences lasting far longer than the urges I have to do these things. So I just sit and breathe and sometimes cry a little (or a lot) and feel all of the feelings that I have and wait for it to go away. See, I know I am not crazy, because I know that these urges would make me seem crazy so I control it. Right? I mean if I were really crazy I wouldn't be thinking about cause-and-effect type consequences, I would just act on impulse. I mean, right?

I just sometimes get really overwhelmed by loneliness and I get scared that I will always be alone. This generally happens when I am, in point of fact, alone (which I am sure exacerbates the issue, although on rare occasions it will happen in public). But I just get scared I guess that it is impossible for me to be loved ever again. Or at least for me to accept it and love someone back. It happens every single day, people fall in love. It seemed so super special and significant when KC and I fell in love that I just feel like it is impossible to get that twice with a second man. I have tried to date, and I have actually dated. I have enjoyed the company of another man but it felt nothing like what it felt like when I fell in love with KC. I knew I loved KC and I knew he loved me, and we both knew it right away. And in the same way, I think *and I am scared to put this out there but this is how I am feeling*  that I know that I won't have the family that I want. So now I just have one question, knowing what I know.

How do I become OK with this life?