Dichotomy

Holding:
Deep connection and profound loneliness
Ecstacy and profound wounding
Hope and hopelessness
Love and rage
Wonder and spaciness
Desire for knowledge and a filled cup
Knowing all and knowing nothing
Oneness, me-ness, us-ness, and you-ness
Stillness and reckless abandon
Left brain and right brain
Indifference and weighty concern
Thirst and hunger
Longing without knowing for what
Satiation and desire


How can one hold this? All of this? Simultaneously. I'm not sure, but it's happening.

4

It has been four years since I have seen you. You’ve been gone longer than I knew you.  It has been four year since you held my hand, kissed my mouth, told me you loved me, made me feel safe, made me believe in true love, made me believe, everyday, that I deserved it. It seems like it was all at the same time just yesterday that you died, and a million years since I have seen you, touched you, bathed in your presence and love.  

What is it about four that feels so significant?  Why does four feel so big?

The number four is loaded with symbolism.  In some realms it is representative of the fourth dimension, time, which is said to be an illusion. That would explain the contradictory feelings of how long if feels that KC has actually been gone.  Four is connection, completion, four seasons four elements.  In Buddhist culture, the The Damba Tree of Life has four limbs and four roots that are fed by four streams.  The Greeks equate the number four with the God Hermes, son of Zeus and Maia.  Hermes is the messenger god who communicates with all other gods and the guide for the dead to the underworld. Hermes held the number four sacred as he was born in the fourth month, as was KC.

In Egypt, the number four is considered the sacred number of time in reference to the sun. Numerology suggests the totality of the number four, again referencing the four elements, four directions, four sides to the perfect square.  It is representative of calmness, solidity, and home, with the suggestion of getting back to the bones of your life, planting roots, and persevering through obstacles when finding ground might be difficult.  The four is the ground in that moment. 

The Bible talks about the number four and its relationship to creation. The fourth day was when the material universe was completed with the sun, the moon and the stars, giving way to the four seasons in a year. The fourth commandment is remembrance of the Sabbath day in order to properly honor the work that went into the creation of the universe as we know it. 

There are four temperaments described in early psychology that are related directly to Hippocrates’ four humors.  Melancholic temperaments are doomed to a life of disappointment and slow movement despite their virtuous nature. Choleric temperaments are strong but give way easily to anger. The sanguine person is obedient and fits in well with their environment as a practice, seeking approval and avoids controversy.  Phlegmatic types are similarly adaptable, but stubborn and lazy.  These four temperaments cover a complete array of personality types, furthering the notion that the number four represents completeness.

“One significant representation of four symbology is in the representation of the four evangelists of the four winged beasts in the vision of Ezekiel, later reconstitutes in the New Testament as the four beasts of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. In the Kabbalah, there were four worlds of the Tree of Life. There are four creatures on the arms of Freemasonry, four primary mental functions according to Carl Jung, and four dimensions of modern science: length, breadth, width, and time.”

With all of this research, all of the symbolism, all of the awareness this brings and parallels drawn, what does it mean in the scheme of the loss that I suffered 4 years ago?  Though completion and home and stability and strength feel like very attractive qualities moving through 4 years of heartbreak for a senseless accident with no meaning, unfortunately, the fact that four years have passed me by without the man with whom I agreed to share the rest of my life brings me precious little solace.  However, standing with my back to four and facing year five head on feels different than previous anniversaries.  Grounded in four, I feel the elements around and beneath me; The earth under my feet.  I feel the square solidity of the new foundation upon which this life I never asked for has been built.  I feel the four roots from the Tree of Life and I am quenched by the four rivers that feed the tree.  I feel Hermes delivering my messages and his connection to the natural and mystical alchemical changes which occur over time reinforce the rooted feelings of four.  Or maybe there is none of this and all I am doing is trying to make sense of this.  What I do know, is that I have been blessed with another year on this earth, and I am making the most of it. I will continue to do so, and honor my time with love in my heart and an openness to receive it. I will continue to miss him, and honor his memory with my own actions of love and affection and presence in the world.

http://www.samuel-beckett.net/Penelope/four_symbolism.html

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spiritual-meaning-of-numbers.html

http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/4.html

http://www.crystalinks.com/numerology2.html

Regression

I feel like I am regressing lately.  I think about KC and the loss and the fact that I am alone almost constantly.  It has been three and a half years now and I haven't successfully dated anyone.  I have no prospects on the horizon.  I still live with my parents and I am have almost no savings.  I can't believe this is where I am right now. 

But.

Well.


This IS where I am right now.  I just finished my first year of grad school and I am lucky enough to have a family to support me while I am finishing school so I don't rack up even more debt.  I am good at my job; just because I am not getting rich, I am damn good at what I do and I positively influence kids with special needs on a daily basis.  I am very proud of that.  Yes, I think about my late fiancee a lot.  I remember him and think of him and smile and cry and I remember how well loved I was.  I miss him, and I don't know that I will ever stop missing him.  I don't think I want to stop missing him.  But I deserve to be loved.  I just need to be patient.

It's so fucking hard to be patient.

Happy Birthday, True Love

I can't believe this is the fucking FOURTH time I have had to celebrate your birthday without you. I hate it. I keep hoping and wishing and thinking these kinds of days are going to get easier, and I guess in some ways they have.  But I just miss you and wish you were here and that we could celebrate together, and I don't think that ever goes away. I know I will never love anyone like I loved you, and I know I will never be loved the way you loved me again, but I cherish the precious little time we shared and I wish you could still feel how much I love and honor you every day.  I am writing this to you and listening to Led Zeppelin, "Hey Hey What Can I do?" and I can hear your voice signing it to me, your arms around my waist, your head thrown back, and your jerkey little dance moves. I miss it so bad I feel physical pain in my body. I just love you so much, fuck me so FUCKING much and I just would give everything I have to hold you one more time. I love you, and I miss you, and that is my constant state of being. 

Seriously? Fucking Valentine's Day....

I have been in a shitty mood all week, and I think I have figured out why. No, it's not just Valentine's Day, however that has something to do with it. Having the fact that you are unattached when you don't want to be pointed out in such a blatant way does everything BUT make you want to celebrate love.  When you have lost love like I have, it hurts to see other people celebrating with their husbands, fiance's, or significant others.  It's everywhere. I tapped out on Facebook at 9am. Can't do it.  I keep clicking on it and instantly think, why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Then comes the guilt. Why can't you just be happy for other people who you care about? Why can't you feel happy that people you love feel happy too? I hate that something as beautiful as the love that other people share makes me feel so sad. I hate that I have become one of the people who HATE Valentine's day. But really, if you think about it, I have only had 2 good Valentine's days in 30 years...not exactly battin a thousand here.

Anyway, the thing that has really gotten me down is so terrible I don't really even want to admit it. But here she goes...
I don't believe that I will fall in love again.
Damn.
Just sit with that for a moment. 


I am 30 years old and I lost the person who made me believe that love is real. I have dated other people since his passing. I have felt romantic feelings for other men.  But I have always known it wasn't right, or real. I've known there isn't a potential for love.  As much as I try not to make comparisons to KC, it's damn near impossible not to. I think it's great that I have a high bar set, but really, I think my bar is unreachable by any man who isn't KC.


So what, I'm doomed to a life of loneliness? Destined for black shrowded widowhood and sadness for the next 60 years? Fuck that. I really don't think that is going to happen, but I really don't believe, down in my soul, that I will ever be truly, recklessly, unconditionally, ridiculously in love ever again. And that is a daunting realization. 

So as for Valentine's Day. Fuck off with your red roses and chocolates (okleavethechocolate), I don't wanna see that shit.  But really, I love you, and I hope you're happy today, as ever. I am just feeling a little wounded and defensive, so I am trying to act tough. But crying in my office today was enough...

longing

What's worse than longing? It seems like it is an integral part of so many feelings. Like, base level of grief, is longing. I long for KC to be here with me. I long for companionship. I long for children. I grieve a life I lost and a future I was cheated out of. It's all longing. Missing. Empty. I don't know where that will go. I don't even know that if I should be so lucky to find new love, to bear children, to cease the emptiness, should all that happen will this longing subside? Will there ever be a point where I am complete despite my loss? Three years. I am looking down the barrel of three years of living my life without KC in it and I still so long for him. I long for the feeling of pride that shown in his eyes when he looked at me. How can I go the rest of my life never knowing that feeling again?