Onward.

So I don't really get inspired to write when I am happy. This makes my blog posts a big ole bummer all of the time. However, I feel like I just need to say that for this moment, I'm feelin pretty good. I have a good weekend lined up and my brother is coming to town tomorrow and I never get to see him. I am so happy to be able to spend time lately with people who are so important to me. There are some tough things coming up but during the rough times I will be surrounded by loving friends and family, how lucky is that? I know that is pretty rare and I am happy to acknowledge the great company I keep.
I am determined to try my best, every day, to focus my energy on the good, on life, on my life because I am still here. And, even though I am here without KC, I have a life to lead. However long or short my life may be, this is all I get. I make choices. Yes, there are things that happen that I can't control, and not everything that I choose directly impacts my life circumstances. I know, and accept that my acceptance of KC's proposal did not kill him. I chose to accept his proposal and some shitty accident took him away. Now, I can choose to dedicate my life to a man that is gone and therefore lose my life as well, or....I can choose to honor him,  hold him in my heart, remember all that I have learned from him, and live my life alongside of the shitty circumstances. I can move forward. I can travel ONWARD. Onward. I love that word. "In a direction or toward a position that is ahead in space or time; forward." Onward seems reasonable. Logical. I can understand onward. There is hope in that word; hope for what I should have had with KC and the possibility of a time in space where I will be able to release the constant pain in my chest and knot in my stomach and feel truly happy again. Just accepting that this is possible eases the tension ever so slightly.
So for today, I will curl my hair, put on make up, be with my pregnant sister and amazing brother in law. Tonight I will share with the company of a few of my closest friends. Tomorrow I will see my brother and baby sister and spend a beautiful day with them. Monday I will go back to work where the struggles are great and the rewards are small but the impact is big. ONWARD, I say. Onward because you never know what may happen, and though bad things will inevitably occur, good will happen too. I will be prepared to handle/enjoy/breathe in/accept/survive whatever it may be.