Well, today was stupid.

I hate days like today.  Everything started off sideways and just kept at it.  I was really trying to turn it around, and at one point I even thought I had it.  But no.  More shit.  I felt ineffective and naive. Those are two of the worst feelings besides grief, I think.  I am at work and I am not being affective so I feel like shit.   I was thoughtless about social media (like a fucking dummy) and it bit me in the ass and now I feel naive, and that feels shitty.  So that's where I am at.  And the WORST part, you ask? No KC to make me feel better at the end of the day.  No anyone to make me feel better at the end of the day.  Just come home to my parents house and hide away and feel shitty til I don't. Happy mother fuckin Tuesday.

Happy Birthday, True Love

I can't believe this is the fucking FOURTH time I have had to celebrate your birthday without you. I hate it. I keep hoping and wishing and thinking these kinds of days are going to get easier, and I guess in some ways they have.  But I just miss you and wish you were here and that we could celebrate together, and I don't think that ever goes away. I know I will never love anyone like I loved you, and I know I will never be loved the way you loved me again, but I cherish the precious little time we shared and I wish you could still feel how much I love and honor you every day.  I am writing this to you and listening to Led Zeppelin, "Hey Hey What Can I do?" and I can hear your voice signing it to me, your arms around my waist, your head thrown back, and your jerkey little dance moves. I miss it so bad I feel physical pain in my body. I just love you so much, fuck me so FUCKING much and I just would give everything I have to hold you one more time. I love you, and I miss you, and that is my constant state of being. 

It's most illogical

I was really actively trying to date. Like, really trying. I asked people to set me up. I went online. I had 4 dates set up since the first of the year. Every single one of them fell off of the face of the earth as soon as the words "it's a date" were uttered. I am not taking it personally. I truly feel like I am a catch and I really think it is they're loss, and if they're that type of douche bag I would like to know before I waste any real time on them, so I considered it a gift. One night, a couple of weeks ago, I had a little moment of clarity where I realized, without any self-loathing, self-deprecation, and especially no self pity that I am just going to be alone. And for the first time I am kind of ok with that. I was so lucky to have been loved so well, like seriously loved SOOOOO well. I mean, it was instant, and true, and electric, and I remember feeling like I couldn't squeeze him hard enough, I couldn't tell him enough what he meant, the word love seemed so small and meaningless compared to the level of profundity and abundance I had for him and the I KNEW and I still KNOW in my whole being that it was 100% reciprocal. How could I ever expect that again? It's just....illogical and childish to think I will ever be in love like that twice in a lifetime. I wasn't sad when I realized this. I think I will have a boyfriend again, maybe after grad school someday. I am sure I will share time with someone. I would love to make children, but I am not sure I will have that chance either (that is what I am struggling to accept). But really, I have been alone for over 3 years now and I really truly like who I am and what I do. I am proud of myself and what I have accomplished since KC died and I believe he would be proud of me too. But, I have given up wasting time looking for the impossible. It's just not possible. But I think that's ok.

Seriously? Fucking Valentine's Day....

I have been in a shitty mood all week, and I think I have figured out why. No, it's not just Valentine's Day, however that has something to do with it. Having the fact that you are unattached when you don't want to be pointed out in such a blatant way does everything BUT make you want to celebrate love.  When you have lost love like I have, it hurts to see other people celebrating with their husbands, fiance's, or significant others.  It's everywhere. I tapped out on Facebook at 9am. Can't do it.  I keep clicking on it and instantly think, why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Then comes the guilt. Why can't you just be happy for other people who you care about? Why can't you feel happy that people you love feel happy too? I hate that something as beautiful as the love that other people share makes me feel so sad. I hate that I have become one of the people who HATE Valentine's day. But really, if you think about it, I have only had 2 good Valentine's days in 30 years...not exactly battin a thousand here.

Anyway, the thing that has really gotten me down is so terrible I don't really even want to admit it. But here she goes...
I don't believe that I will fall in love again.
Damn.
Just sit with that for a moment. 


I am 30 years old and I lost the person who made me believe that love is real. I have dated other people since his passing. I have felt romantic feelings for other men.  But I have always known it wasn't right, or real. I've known there isn't a potential for love.  As much as I try not to make comparisons to KC, it's damn near impossible not to. I think it's great that I have a high bar set, but really, I think my bar is unreachable by any man who isn't KC.


So what, I'm doomed to a life of loneliness? Destined for black shrowded widowhood and sadness for the next 60 years? Fuck that. I really don't think that is going to happen, but I really don't believe, down in my soul, that I will ever be truly, recklessly, unconditionally, ridiculously in love ever again. And that is a daunting realization. 

So as for Valentine's Day. Fuck off with your red roses and chocolates (okleavethechocolate), I don't wanna see that shit.  But really, I love you, and I hope you're happy today, as ever. I am just feeling a little wounded and defensive, so I am trying to act tough. But crying in my office today was enough...

3

Yesterday marked three years that my fiance has been gone, and tomorrow I turn 30. Finding a huge dichotomy of feelings. On the one hand, I feel tremendously grateful: I had a great and powerful love, I have a beautiful proposal story (not to mention a beautiful ring), I have amazing memories and supportive friends and family, and I feel grateful to be afforded the right to turn 30. But in this moment, I have no hope. I can't see past my despair and loneliness. I feel incredibly aware of my sadness and after three years, as long as I knew KC, I know there will never be an end to my grief and it just feels overwhelming. How can a body sustain such agony? I just feel defeated and I fucking hate it. This isn't fair, this isn't what I deserve, and it damn sure isn't what KC deserved. The world is a dark and lonely place without him, and I am afraid I will never fully be able to open my eyes to the light again. I am wishing you all so much comfort, but today, there is no way to be comforted. Today it's just pain.

Fuckin letter to my brain

There is a lot going on and I just want some mother fucking peace, man.  This is a fucked up time of year for me and I don't want to be caught up in shit that is on my periphery. I just want some peace and quiet.  I don't know how to get the things I want emotionally so I am going to fucking forget about all of that and just work on what I know I can do. School. Work. Gym. If I dedicate myself to those things I will find some balance and peace and I will be successful in that sweet little trifecta. 
Dear Meg O,
Here's what you need to do:
School: Get your shit together and study, bitch.
Work: Get on top of it and keep learning how to be a better social coach. You're brand new at it, and you're in the deep end. Fuckin suck it up and doggy paddle the shit outta it.
Gym: This is the only body you're ever going to have. Make it one you're fucking proud of. Make your body stronger than you've ever been and sustain it. You fucking owe it to yourself to care for this body, properly nourish it and keep it active. 
From,
MotherFuckingMegO

Veteran's Day

Today is weird. I was just looking at Facebook and trying to think about a post I could craft that is true to my liberal hippie commie values while still acknowledging how much I truly appreciate and admire the military and their willingness to put themselves at risk for the continued safety and security of our so imperfect country.  The only thing I can think to say is thank you to those who voluntarily serve so I don't have to. Thank you to those lives who have been lost for honor and "The American Way" so I may sit behind my laptop and question our government. I am granted the freedom to argue with my father and other more conservative people because someone woke up and decided duty and honor were more important to them than being safe at home.  That providing the ability for ME to be safe at home was more important to them than for them to stay at home themselves.  I have family and friends and acquaintances who have served this country and hold greatly different views than me, but it is because of them that I have the freedom to express my wishes for this country in a safe manner, without fear of prosecution or persecution.  How oddly wonderful is that?  I have wishes for this country to be better, but I'll be damned if I am not lucky to hold the company I keep and feel immensely proud to be an American.  I am granted the freedom to both question my government and appreciate them at the same time. Deeply and profoundly, I thank you Veterans and active duty military folks. I am one lucky American hippie.