Seriously? Fucking Valentine's Day....

I have been in a shitty mood all week, and I think I have figured out why. No, it's not just Valentine's Day, however that has something to do with it. Having the fact that you are unattached when you don't want to be pointed out in such a blatant way does everything BUT make you want to celebrate love.  When you have lost love like I have, it hurts to see other people celebrating with their husbands, fiance's, or significant others.  It's everywhere. I tapped out on Facebook at 9am. Can't do it.  I keep clicking on it and instantly think, why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Then comes the guilt. Why can't you just be happy for other people who you care about? Why can't you feel happy that people you love feel happy too? I hate that something as beautiful as the love that other people share makes me feel so sad. I hate that I have become one of the people who HATE Valentine's day. But really, if you think about it, I have only had 2 good Valentine's days in 30 years...not exactly battin a thousand here.

Anyway, the thing that has really gotten me down is so terrible I don't really even want to admit it. But here she goes...
I don't believe that I will fall in love again.
Damn.
Just sit with that for a moment. 


I am 30 years old and I lost the person who made me believe that love is real. I have dated other people since his passing. I have felt romantic feelings for other men.  But I have always known it wasn't right, or real. I've known there isn't a potential for love.  As much as I try not to make comparisons to KC, it's damn near impossible not to. I think it's great that I have a high bar set, but really, I think my bar is unreachable by any man who isn't KC.


So what, I'm doomed to a life of loneliness? Destined for black shrowded widowhood and sadness for the next 60 years? Fuck that. I really don't think that is going to happen, but I really don't believe, down in my soul, that I will ever be truly, recklessly, unconditionally, ridiculously in love ever again. And that is a daunting realization. 

So as for Valentine's Day. Fuck off with your red roses and chocolates (okleavethechocolate), I don't wanna see that shit.  But really, I love you, and I hope you're happy today, as ever. I am just feeling a little wounded and defensive, so I am trying to act tough. But crying in my office today was enough...

longing

What's worse than longing? It seems like it is an integral part of so many feelings. Like, base level of grief, is longing. I long for KC to be here with me. I long for companionship. I long for children. I grieve a life I lost and a future I was cheated out of. It's all longing. Missing. Empty. I don't know where that will go. I don't even know that if I should be so lucky to find new love, to bear children, to cease the emptiness, should all that happen will this longing subside? Will there ever be a point where I am complete despite my loss? Three years. I am looking down the barrel of three years of living my life without KC in it and I still so long for him. I long for the feeling of pride that shown in his eyes when he looked at me. How can I go the rest of my life never knowing that feeling again?

Dating Sucks.

I fucking hate it! I am trying to be available, open, look my best so I will feel my best, I am doing the online thing one TWO different sites! I am finding that the more options available the more I hate that I have to "pick" a new life partner. I signed up to do online dating because I thought it would quickly narrow down the options to just the one's who want what I want, but I am starting to think no one wants what I want. I am just being met with rapid fire rejection and men with whom I am completely uninterested. It is so unfair. I had everything with KC, everything. I shouldn't have to be looking again. And honestly, not to sound boastful, but I don't think it should be so fucking hard for me to find a nice guy who is reasonably attractive that wants to make babies. It's not like I am looking for a god-damned unicorn here, just a nice, funny person who is excited to raise a family. I entitled this post dating sucks, but I can't even say that I am even dating because I haven't actually been on any dates! Though I really don't want to, I think I just am going to have to get comfortable being alone. I have said it before, but I always felt like I had more work to do before I was really ready to date, and that was why I wasn't being flooded with opportunities. At this point, I feel like I know what I want. I feel like I am confident in who I am and what I have to offer someone in a relationship. And still nothing. I guess KC really was the only man for me.

Panic

Sometimes, in grief, I notice these moments of panic. They are subtle and internal, which I suppose makes panic seem, well, hyperbole. I keep these feelings subtle because I know if I do what my body wants to do I will ruin my life. If I do what I am supposed to do, what my body and heart wants, like throw a giant fucking fit, or cut myself, or get drunk, or take meds, run away, or shut down, if I do that there will be consequences lasting far longer than the urges I have to do these things. So I just sit and breathe and sometimes cry a little (or a lot) and feel all of the feelings that I have and wait for it to go away. See, I know I am not crazy, because I know that these urges would make me seem crazy so I control it. Right? I mean if I were really crazy I wouldn't be thinking about cause-and-effect type consequences, I would just act on impulse. I mean, right?

I just sometimes get really overwhelmed by loneliness and I get scared that I will always be alone. This generally happens when I am, in point of fact, alone (which I am sure exacerbates the issue, although on rare occasions it will happen in public). But I just get scared I guess that it is impossible for me to be loved ever again. Or at least for me to accept it and love someone back. It happens every single day, people fall in love. It seemed so super special and significant when KC and I fell in love that I just feel like it is impossible to get that twice with a second man. I have tried to date, and I have actually dated. I have enjoyed the company of another man but it felt nothing like what it felt like when I fell in love with KC. I knew I loved KC and I knew he loved me, and we both knew it right away. And in the same way, I think *and I am scared to put this out there but this is how I am feeling*  that I know that I won't have the family that I want. So now I just have one question, knowing what I know.

How do I become OK with this life?

Today is a day that makes me fucking hate to be widowed. Scratch that, there aren't ever days that I'm like, "Oh yea, I am one sexy ass widow and proud of it!" But some days I feel empowered, more compassionate, more knowledgeable, more sympathetic, empathetic, stronger, all of these really positive things as a result of what I have survived. Today is not one of those days. I didn't have a great day at work. I had to physically restrain a kid and that always sucks, especially when it results in back pain.  My car is falling apart, and as I have a shit-for-pay job I am not really able to give it the TLC it deserves, and therefore Optimus Prime is swiftly becoming a hooptie. Not super fun to "dip through the hood" in (as KC would have said). I am coming towards the end of a very stressful class in school and I am not feeling very confident in what I will turn in on Saturday. I have started to see a boy, socially. This, I think, is really what is causing me inner turmoil. I like him. It is unexpected. He was unexpected. I really like being with him and I find myself thinking of him often. He is terribly kind, and attentive, and funny, and sweet. He is much different physically than any one who I have ever dated in the past, though I guess I never really did have a "type."  Things are progressing slowly which is great, I need it that way, but I am just so bad at this. I never thought I would have to do it again, and frankly, I was never really any good at this dating stuff. KC was, he taught me how to be with him. This new guy is different, which is great, but similar, which is also great, but weird. I worry about texting him too much or bugging him. I just don't fucking know how to do this! I don't know how to talk to him about my feelings because it would make the feelings really real to say them out loud.
All of this is another reminder of my loss all the time, not that I need any reminders, but still. I am trying so hard to be open and just let things unfold naturally, and I think I am being successful in that when in the moment with him. I am just scared. There are implications and things that pop into my head all the time, like introducing him to family and friends who knew KC. I worry so much about how these people in my life may respond to him---or me with him---and what they will think about all of it. I guess I just wonder how people could possibly understand the co-existence of romantic feelings in such a way when I don't understand it myself. I still love and miss KC desperately, but yet I have these new romantic feelings about another man, a good man, and I don't even really know what these feelings mean, so how could I possibly expect him to understand, or my parents, or KC's dad and sister, or anyone? Will people feel that I am betraying KC's memory? That is the last thing I want. Will I be able to really fall in love again? I don't know. If I can't answer these questions, maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone yet. But the fact remains, the new guy makes me happy when I am with him, and I continue wanting to be with him, so it wouldn't be true to me to stop this.....right? Or am I justifying neglectful and disrespectful and hurtful behavior to meet my own selfish and primal needs? What I do know is it that it feels good to be wanted, to be doted upon, to be touched sweetly and held gently. I miss these things and I want them again, but maybe I don't really get them again. Maybe it isn't in the cards. But then again, maybe it is. I'm not putting pressure on this new *relationship* nor am I operating under the delusion that this dude has to be the man I marry in order to entertain the thought of dating him, but it is just tough to not go there. So here I am, delirious after a long, shit day, and questioning everything I know and feel while successfully avoiding writing my paper. What do I do? Fuck if I know. Happy hump day, hahahaha....


*** I seriously doubt it, but New Guy, if you're reading this, please don't get scared away! I am not quite as crazy as my blog might make me sound, this is merely my stream of consciousness and mode of catharsis to release all my muhfuckin crazy. If you are reading this, and you are NOT scared away, I guess we got something good goin...so there's that.