Well, today was stupid.

I hate days like today.  Everything started off sideways and just kept at it.  I was really trying to turn it around, and at one point I even thought I had it.  But no.  More shit.  I felt ineffective and naive. Those are two of the worst feelings besides grief, I think.  I am at work and I am not being affective so I feel like shit.   I was thoughtless about social media (like a fucking dummy) and it bit me in the ass and now I feel naive, and that feels shitty.  So that's where I am at.  And the WORST part, you ask? No KC to make me feel better at the end of the day.  No anyone to make me feel better at the end of the day.  Just come home to my parents house and hide away and feel shitty til I don't. Happy mother fuckin Tuesday.

Happy Birthday, True Love

I can't believe this is the fucking FOURTH time I have had to celebrate your birthday without you. I hate it. I keep hoping and wishing and thinking these kinds of days are going to get easier, and I guess in some ways they have.  But I just miss you and wish you were here and that we could celebrate together, and I don't think that ever goes away. I know I will never love anyone like I loved you, and I know I will never be loved the way you loved me again, but I cherish the precious little time we shared and I wish you could still feel how much I love and honor you every day.  I am writing this to you and listening to Led Zeppelin, "Hey Hey What Can I do?" and I can hear your voice signing it to me, your arms around my waist, your head thrown back, and your jerkey little dance moves. I miss it so bad I feel physical pain in my body. I just love you so much, fuck me so FUCKING much and I just would give everything I have to hold you one more time. I love you, and I miss you, and that is my constant state of being. 

Seriously? Fucking Valentine's Day....

I have been in a shitty mood all week, and I think I have figured out why. No, it's not just Valentine's Day, however that has something to do with it. Having the fact that you are unattached when you don't want to be pointed out in such a blatant way does everything BUT make you want to celebrate love.  When you have lost love like I have, it hurts to see other people celebrating with their husbands, fiance's, or significant others.  It's everywhere. I tapped out on Facebook at 9am. Can't do it.  I keep clicking on it and instantly think, why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Then comes the guilt. Why can't you just be happy for other people who you care about? Why can't you feel happy that people you love feel happy too? I hate that something as beautiful as the love that other people share makes me feel so sad. I hate that I have become one of the people who HATE Valentine's day. But really, if you think about it, I have only had 2 good Valentine's days in 30 years...not exactly battin a thousand here.

Anyway, the thing that has really gotten me down is so terrible I don't really even want to admit it. But here she goes...
I don't believe that I will fall in love again.
Damn.
Just sit with that for a moment. 


I am 30 years old and I lost the person who made me believe that love is real. I have dated other people since his passing. I have felt romantic feelings for other men.  But I have always known it wasn't right, or real. I've known there isn't a potential for love.  As much as I try not to make comparisons to KC, it's damn near impossible not to. I think it's great that I have a high bar set, but really, I think my bar is unreachable by any man who isn't KC.


So what, I'm doomed to a life of loneliness? Destined for black shrowded widowhood and sadness for the next 60 years? Fuck that. I really don't think that is going to happen, but I really don't believe, down in my soul, that I will ever be truly, recklessly, unconditionally, ridiculously in love ever again. And that is a daunting realization. 

So as for Valentine's Day. Fuck off with your red roses and chocolates (okleavethechocolate), I don't wanna see that shit.  But really, I love you, and I hope you're happy today, as ever. I am just feeling a little wounded and defensive, so I am trying to act tough. But crying in my office today was enough...

I had it right in the palm of my hand.

I am so fucking tired of this dating thing and I have been doing it for less than two months. It is fucking exhausting. It makes me think things about myself I wouldn't otherwise think. It makes me feel sad when I should otherwise feel good. It makes me terrified of a future spent alone. It lowers my self confidence, it makes me feel dependent, and it just god damned stresses me out. I had everything I ever wanted in the palm of my young, happy little hand. and POOF. Gone. Now I have to start all over again and it just isn't fair. I am so desperately lonely, the loneliness is tangible, real, physical, visceral. I just want to love someone and have them love me back. I just want to cultivate a family, a partnership, a life with someone I love who fucking loves me back. I am beginning to think, again, that I just am not one of the chosen who get to have what they want. 14 year old me is dying inside.