Seriously? Fucking Valentine's Day....

I have been in a shitty mood all week, and I think I have figured out why. No, it's not just Valentine's Day, however that has something to do with it. Having the fact that you are unattached when you don't want to be pointed out in such a blatant way does everything BUT make you want to celebrate love.  When you have lost love like I have, it hurts to see other people celebrating with their husbands, fiance's, or significant others.  It's everywhere. I tapped out on Facebook at 9am. Can't do it.  I keep clicking on it and instantly think, why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? Then comes the guilt. Why can't you just be happy for other people who you care about? Why can't you feel happy that people you love feel happy too? I hate that something as beautiful as the love that other people share makes me feel so sad. I hate that I have become one of the people who HATE Valentine's day. But really, if you think about it, I have only had 2 good Valentine's days in 30 years...not exactly battin a thousand here.

Anyway, the thing that has really gotten me down is so terrible I don't really even want to admit it. But here she goes...
I don't believe that I will fall in love again.
Damn.
Just sit with that for a moment. 


I am 30 years old and I lost the person who made me believe that love is real. I have dated other people since his passing. I have felt romantic feelings for other men.  But I have always known it wasn't right, or real. I've known there isn't a potential for love.  As much as I try not to make comparisons to KC, it's damn near impossible not to. I think it's great that I have a high bar set, but really, I think my bar is unreachable by any man who isn't KC.


So what, I'm doomed to a life of loneliness? Destined for black shrowded widowhood and sadness for the next 60 years? Fuck that. I really don't think that is going to happen, but I really don't believe, down in my soul, that I will ever be truly, recklessly, unconditionally, ridiculously in love ever again. And that is a daunting realization. 

So as for Valentine's Day. Fuck off with your red roses and chocolates (okleavethechocolate), I don't wanna see that shit.  But really, I love you, and I hope you're happy today, as ever. I am just feeling a little wounded and defensive, so I am trying to act tough. But crying in my office today was enough...

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is a little rough and tough for me, but I have to remember that I am lucky. Seriously lucky. I am lucky because for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be, I will have always known True Love because I was loved by KC. He made me believe that love could be like what we read in poetry and see in films. It is because of who he was that I allowed myself to really open my heart and become so vulnerable as to fully experience a reciprocal and beautiful love. One that was so strong that strangers would tell us at restaurants what a sweet couple we were and that they could see how in love we were. KC's love hit me like a bullet and I never looked back; I never doubted it. Because of KC and the deep, profound way he loved me, I am able to love back in the same way, in all of my relationships, even those that haven't yet been forged. I am a product of True Love and today is the day that is celebrated. This is a picture of a sign KC made for me for our first Valentine's Day together. He worked on it for hours and brought it to my work to show everyone how he loved me. The poster is about 20 feet long, so KC asked our dear friend Trevor to hold up the other end. I remember being behind the bar when they came in and held this sign and I was so nervous thinking that KC was proposing to me. I just kept thinking "I don't want to get engaged at Outback!!!" I was floored by his grand gesture, and the sweet, proud smile on his face is something I will never ever forget. I miss KC and the love that we shared. Today, with a heavy, heavy heart, I remember how lucky I am to have known this great and tragic love. And to you, my facebook family, know that when I say I Love You, I mean it from the deepest, most sacred part of my soul, because that is the only way I know how to love anymore.