Change

Before I met KC I had never had a real relationship with a man. I say “real” because I was never shown true love; I was never in a relationship of reciprocity; I was never with a man whom I was proud to be with or who was proud to be with me.  KC told me all the time how he wanted to show me off to his friends and family, not because I was some trophy but because I was smart, kind, funny, and he knew people would respond to that and it would reflect well on himself.  He was so proud to call me his girl, and I was proud to call him my man.  I had never had that before.  Now that he is gone, I know I will never go back to those “relationships” I had before I met KC.  I will never be treated as less than, I will never let someone be unfaithful, I will never be someone’s girl “on the down low,” because I know my worth.  Because I was with KC, I know who I am and what I am capable of.  This has translated to other facets of my life beyond what I want out of my future romantic life.  Because of KC I knew I could graduate from college, and I did, cum laude, even.  I was accepted to a Master’s program which I am starting next month.  I was recently promoted to a new position as a social coach for children on the Autism Spectrum.  I do all of these things because KC believed in me, so I believed in myself.  I am better for being with him.  Because of KC I am creating lasting change within myself, and therefore lasting change in the lives of those with whom I work.  I continue my journey to become the best version of myself that I can be.  I am making the world better because KC inspired me to do so.  The world is worse off without KC, but I am making it better in his honor every day.  I believe that with my whole heart.  There are so many other ways in which I was changed for being with KC and for losing him, but none so much as this.  I work hard to leave this place better, make this place a gentler place for the children who I serve, make it brighter for the one’s I love. This is KC’s legacy.

I feel good.

 I am feeling really good right now and I feel like it is important to recognize and document this feeling. I so often write to express myself to no one when I am angry or frustrated or sad, but not really so much when good things are happening. I am not sure why, but I just had a moment where I was thinking I am really done with school. I graduated from college and I worked really hard to do it. I just might go to grad school, in fact, it is very likely that I will and in two years I will be working as a therapist to help children with Autism and their families to make their lives better. Me. I will do that. And that feels fucking good. I feel fucking awesome, not afraid to say it.


Remind me of that when I am bitching about course work in like a year.



OK, arrogant rant over.