Who's that girl?! It's MEG!

My life tends to play out like a poorly written sitcom. I have weird shit happen to me and it always seems to work out alright, ya know, as long as people are alive. I decided to take my future relationship life into my own hands and make myself a little more available to men. I reconnected with a guy from high school recently and wanted to hang out with him so we made plans. It was funny, because I didn't know if it was going to be a date or just like, two old friends hanging out. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it must be a date, it seemed that I had asked this man out and he accepted. Then the night came that we were going to get together, and he invited his friend. Ok, well at least now i know! Not a date, haha.. Granted, it's an old friend of mine as well, and in the end I had a great time out with two really awesome dudes. But I just thought it was pretty funny...and it gets a little better. If you have read this blog for a while, you may know that I had been asked out around new years by a friend of a friend who was a bartender in town. He and I went out on one date and I never heard from him again.  Yea, so his bar where I was supposed to meet my "date" last night.... Let's just line up all the men who have rejected me in one room, get it over with! Put me out of my misery! This dating thing is bound to be bumpy, I hope I can begin to regain some semblence of intuition for men who are interested versus men who just want to be nice...haha. Maybe this is all part of the fun, the point is, my awkward ass is back out there on the market. Even if it is one calamity after another, I am confident in my ridiculousness, and it at least entertains me. I know it won't take me down because I have endured far worse than rejection in my life, and grown through it all. It's all an adventure, and I am in it!

Doin it

Heading down to see my Santa Barbara family this weekend, KC's dad is going to take me fishing for the first time since KC and I fished together in AK. I am a little nervous, but really excited too. I feel like I am in a pretty good place heading down there right now, I am taking control over a lot in my life and trying to do my best to say YES more often. That is what KC did, and that is what I want to do. It isn't really easy, but I am tired of watching the clock tick by and waiting to feel happy again. If I keep waiting, it's gonna be a long fucking road. I started my life without KC over a year and a half ago, but I don't feel like I have done very much living. It's damn well time to start. I am saying yes, I am getting healthy and strong, I am opening my heart to love and life. I am achieving goals and finishing school and saying what I mean and doing what feels right. I am living a life. I wish it could be with KC by my side, but I don't have that choice anymore. So I will do better than make do. I will live. I will love. I will experience. I will grow. Starting, now.

Going

I need to get moving. I am 28 years old, widowed for a year and a half. I feel as though I keep watching people live life in front of me as though I am watching a program on TV. Things are happening to the people around me and I am plugging along I guess, but I don't know that I am really living, like I was with KC. I need to get back out there, I need to feel love again in many senses. I have these goals (finishing school, getting my own apartment, but more importantly having a family). I operate under no delusion that this will be an easy task, but I want it. I want it so badly. I miss the little things about being in a relationship, like buying little presents, holding hands and stealing a kiss in a movie theater, walking hand in hand down the street and even those stupid little fights about laundry and dishes). It's tough to see that possibility, it makes me mourn KC even more. But there is one thing I know about KC; he wanted me to be a mother. I need to be a mother. So, off I go, into the world, truly open to the possibility of meeting someone again for the first time. How bad could it be?

Goodbye, Aunt Carolyn

I learned yesterday that my Aunt passed away in her sleep. She had been suffering from a very aggressive and painful type of lung cancer, and now her suffering is over, and the suffering of my family continues on. She was an incredible example to the world of what a woman should be; kind, intelligent, funny, beautiful and grounded. Aunt Carolyn never took any shit, not from her husband (my awesome Uncle Danny), her three kids, or anyone. She could party with the best of them but maintained responsibility with grace and calm. She was a real woman, and she cared for my family when we lost KC. I will do the same for her family now.
Last night I had a little chat with my new niece and told her about her Aunt Carolyn, about how great of an Aunt she was to me, and how because of her I will be a great Aunt to her. I hope I can live up to that promise.
Goodbye Carolyn, I will feel the love you have given my family in my heart until my time on this earth is over.

It is time to....

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

 

 These last couple of lines are what are hitting me the hardest right now. It is only through love that we live, and without love there is no life. I know KC's love, and will know it forever. It is how I know that I am alive. But it is time to open my eyes, love, and go onward. I am not quite sure how, but it is time. 

My meaning of life

I think I finally got it.

I don't think everyone really gives the meaning of life too much thought. If we all did, everyone would just be gluttonous hedonistic wretches, it would be Greek gods all over the place seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. But instead, we work, we educate ourselves, we delay pleasure and work to provide ourselves with a break. My job, it seems, is to work so that others can be blissfully unaware of how shitty life is. I should suffer quietly so that I don't take away precious moments of pleasure from others. So I work at a job that I lovehate so that the children for whom I work will have the potential for a better, more pleasure-filled life. I smile through tears so that other people around me don't know the extent to which I am suffering inside, and therefore they can be happy. This is the part I need to work on, however, because I am not as good as I would like to think at hiding my feelings; heart on my sleeve and all that. So my journey is in suffering to promote health and wellness and general subjective well being in others. I can get down with that I guess, but I hope that eventually my pain will soften and I will be able to feel that hearty warmth in my heart again. Love. It's all I want, it's all I live for.
That is the meaning of life.
Love.

So tell me what to do when the meaning of life is taken away. Someone? Anyone?

wait, wasthat, holy shit...

There is a solar eclipse happening right now. I made a little pinhole viewer out of a cereal box and my dad, mom and I have been checking it out for like an hour and a half. It felt like such a nice cool way to spend an afternoon with my family, it made my heart warm. I was sharing a rare experience with my parents, and it felt good.

Then I walked outside and a man was driving by my house. I glanced in the car and I SWEAR it was KC's doppelganger, his fucking living twin or something, driving right in front of my house. He was even wearing a backwards hat and leaning in the car the same EXACT way KC did when he was driving. In the span of a millisecond I felt this huge surge of excitement and hope and dread and despair. I know that KC is gone forever, but eyes do play tricks I suppose. I thought for the smallest second that KC was back, and he was in a white BMW, and he was here for me. And all at the same time he's gone again.

Fuck my life, man. The very second things seem to start lining up, it gets thrown again. I wonder when I can relax again, feel connected again, feel lit up from the inside like I did when I was living with KC and not living in constant pain.

I am reaching for some sort of irony or parallel or meaning in this rare, solar eclipse. Is it so simple as blocking the light from my life? Darkness taking over where there once was light? the good news? The world keeps turning and the sun becomes visible yet again, I guess my eclipse just hasn't finished yet....