Engagement Story

Five years ago today, KC proposed to me. It was so unexpected and so beautiful. I remember the week before, I was up visiting my parents before my sister's wedding. I had been up for a week before KC came up to be here for the wedding. I remember when he got here I was so happy; it felt like I had been away from him for a month! He was sitting on the couch and I walked by him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap. He was asking me about Thanksgiving, and confirming plans that we had to meet his dad and sister on the Saturday following the holiday in Sea Ranch for mushroom hunting and abalone diving. He asked me if we could go up a day early and have a night to ourselves. I of course said yes. When we got up to the coast we settled into this little place in Gualala. It was a big stretch of property with a bunch of little cottages. We walked all around the property and picked mushrooms and explored for the better part of the afternoon; it was really fun. We settled into our sweet little cottage to relax a little before our dinner reservation.

I sat in the bay window in front of the hill that had a view of the ocean. I wrapped myself up with a blanket and a book, and sat so happy for about an hour. I wasn't paying too much attention to KC at the time, but in hindsight I suppose he was acting somewhat strange. He just seemed sort of distracted, I guess. We weren't talking much, and when we did it didn't seem like he was particularly present. As I was reading, I saw him out of the corner of my eye; he was rummaging through his bag and sort of pacing. Again, I didn't pay too much attention, I was just reading in the window. Then it happened. He walked slowly over to my side and looked out the window. I looked at him, and then out the window too. I am sure I said something about the view, but he stayed quiet. I remember asking him what was wrong...He kind of laughed and tilted his head back. He looked so nervous, it made me nervous. His head remained tilted, and I saw a tear roll from his eye; now I was really nervous. I grabbed his hand, he wouldn't look at me. With his head still back, tears still on his face, he said "You know I'm going to love your forever, right?" I knew that, I always knew that. "Yes," I said expectantly...what is happening right now?

He dropped to one knee and said some beautiful things about me, about us, about who we were and who we would become. I desperately wish I could remember exactly what he said but my head was swimming with what I thought might be happening. He held out that little heart shaped box with the bow on it and handed it to me. He looked me dead in the eye, "open it," he said, and I did. That ring was more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for. I got tearful at this point myself. I couldn't speak, I just looked back at him. His face was serious, stoic, but soft. "Will you marry me?" I couldn't speak. I handed him the box and stuck my hand out for him to place the ring. He put in on my finger and I grabbed him around the neck and kissed him, ferociously. I was smiling so big, it hurt my face. I still hadn't spoken, he said "You haven't actually answered yet..." I screamed "YES YES YES! I didn't say that?! YEEESSS!!!!!"

We sat in that bay window for about an hour talking about everything. We planned certain things about the wedding, talked about who would be the maid of honor and best man. We discussed bachelor and bachelorette parties (His best friend Below would NOT be in charge of his). We talked about having my brother officiate the wedding, our friend's band would play us down the aisle. We discussed different locations and where we might have the ceremony and what kind of booze we would have. We talked about how at our first dance we would start off dancing to some over the top sappy love song, and then there would be a record scratch and we would dance to some old school hip hop song or to Led Zepelin. We talked about who would cater the wedding, what colors we would wear, what season the wedding would be in, how we could plan it around our summers in Alaska.

Shortly after that we went to dinner at the restaurant on the property. KC had already told them he was going to propose, and there was champagne and congratulations awaiting us. We had a beautiful dinner. KC bragged to everyone he saw that he was going to marry me, he showed people my ring, told them that he had just asked me and I said yes.

The next day we met with his dad and sister, obviously they knew KC was going to propose and they were so happy. It was a truly amazing weekend. I felt so accepted as part of his family, I felt so happy and hopeful about our future. Our engagement story was such a lovely reflection of our relationship. It wasn't showey, it was sincere and true and just for us. KC always wanted to share his happiness with others, but this was just for the two of us. I have such a clear memory of that day, still, after five years. I can easily say it is one of my favorite moments I have ever experienced. I believe the only things that rival that level of elation are when my niece and nephew were born.

I have had so many wonderful days since I've lost KC. I graduated college, I became an auntie several times over, I got accepted and started graduate school, I've even started dating again and found someone who makes me very happy and I just adore him. I've welcomed the
children of dear friends and the union of people I care so much about. I've made new friends, I've maintained old friendships. I've seen concerts and traveled and graced the tops of both towers on the Golden Gate Bridge. There are many things for which I feel unbelievably lucky. But today, my heart is heavy with this memory and the thoughts of what could have been. I just miss him. I miss our life together. I am angry that we never had a chance at that dream wedding we planned in the window of our cottage.

Today, I hurt. I hurt and I wish.

Dichotomy

Holding:
Deep connection and profound loneliness
Ecstacy and profound wounding
Hope and hopelessness
Love and rage
Wonder and spaciness
Desire for knowledge and a filled cup
Knowing all and knowing nothing
Oneness, me-ness, us-ness, and you-ness
Stillness and reckless abandon
Left brain and right brain
Indifference and weighty concern
Thirst and hunger
Longing without knowing for what
Satiation and desire


How can one hold this? All of this? Simultaneously. I'm not sure, but it's happening.

New Year and Discipline

The holidays were tough this year, as they have been since KC has been gone, but this year it has been different and worse.  About 3 weeks before Thanksgiving my dad told me that he had renal cancer and would have to have surgery to remove his left kidney.  To add to this, he said I couldn't tell anyone about it.  I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents, my sister, brother-in-law, and niece and my dad dropped this bomb.  As soon as I heard the words "I have cancer" my vision blurred, my temperature rose, and I stopped hearing everything else that he said. I soon got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up; as if my body thought it could extinguish the bad news. My father has had the surgery and is doing quite well, but I can't shake the feeling of foreboding.

This news and the surgery obviously affected my Thanksgiving celebration. We still had the dinner we usually have, but it was tainted. It felt different.  The food was different as Pop wasn't able to prepare the entire meal as he usually does and other people provided the bulk of the feast.  It was nice to have everyone, and obviously I am grateful that Pop is hangin in there, but shit, man. The foreboding. It's there and it's real.

A short couple weeks later was four years since KC passed, and then two days later it was my 31st birthday.  My birthday was on a Saturday this year, however, it was a grad school weekend, so that Friday, Saturday and Sunday were 12 hour school days.  Though my cohort at school was incredibly kind and ritualized my day in an unbelievable showing of love and appreciation, it wasn't the same as celebrating my birthday with my family and my friends as I usually do.  I felt a little like my birthday was skipped this year.

The last week of work before winter break is always brutal. The kids were crazy and I was at my wits end, aching for Friday afternoon and the freedom that awaited me. Freedom finally came, and I woke up with a terrible cold that first Saturday morning of my vacation.  Mind you, this was a working vacation, as I have 4 papers due tomorrow for school, but it was a vacation nonetheless.  Yet, it was just a cold...how bad could it be, right? Wrong. I am still sick. There have been days here and there in the last two weeks where I thought I was getting better and over it, but it has fallen back to the nastiness and I still can't shake it. The worst part is that I had laryngitis as well, and it was at its worst on Christmas Day, forcing me to stay home alone while my family celebrated together, without me.  My Christmas was spent barely conscious on a couch all by myself, unable to talk.

I realize I am sounding like a whiny little kid, here. Trust me, I am fucking sick of myself too. But I am affected by this. Being sick for so long has taken away experiences from me. It even affected the papers I have had to write, as being so sick for so long apparently has a dramatic affect on cognitive functioning (who knew?). But the point is, as I am looking at a brand new year, I have had a lot of time to think about how I want to make this year better than the last, and broaden my experiences. I have been trying to think of a word to encompass all aspects of my life that I want to improve.  The best that I can come up with is discipline.  If I can be disciplined, I will maximize the use of my time in my work and school.  I will be in charge of my health and fitness.  I will have space in my domicile.  I will limit my spending to save for the things that really matter to me, like travel, family,  and education. And maybe, if I am lucky, it will spill over into my romantic endeavors too and I will be able to make time and take chances to aim toward a better life for myself.

So, this year, I aim toward discipline. I will manifest 2015 in the best way possible and change habits that no longer serve me. Discipline, kids. The name if the 2015 game.

Wishing you a connected, disciplined, and empowered year.

4

It has been four years since I have seen you. You’ve been gone longer than I knew you.  It has been four year since you held my hand, kissed my mouth, told me you loved me, made me feel safe, made me believe in true love, made me believe, everyday, that I deserved it. It seems like it was all at the same time just yesterday that you died, and a million years since I have seen you, touched you, bathed in your presence and love.  

What is it about four that feels so significant?  Why does four feel so big?

The number four is loaded with symbolism.  In some realms it is representative of the fourth dimension, time, which is said to be an illusion. That would explain the contradictory feelings of how long if feels that KC has actually been gone.  Four is connection, completion, four seasons four elements.  In Buddhist culture, the The Damba Tree of Life has four limbs and four roots that are fed by four streams.  The Greeks equate the number four with the God Hermes, son of Zeus and Maia.  Hermes is the messenger god who communicates with all other gods and the guide for the dead to the underworld. Hermes held the number four sacred as he was born in the fourth month, as was KC.

In Egypt, the number four is considered the sacred number of time in reference to the sun. Numerology suggests the totality of the number four, again referencing the four elements, four directions, four sides to the perfect square.  It is representative of calmness, solidity, and home, with the suggestion of getting back to the bones of your life, planting roots, and persevering through obstacles when finding ground might be difficult.  The four is the ground in that moment. 

The Bible talks about the number four and its relationship to creation. The fourth day was when the material universe was completed with the sun, the moon and the stars, giving way to the four seasons in a year. The fourth commandment is remembrance of the Sabbath day in order to properly honor the work that went into the creation of the universe as we know it. 

There are four temperaments described in early psychology that are related directly to Hippocrates’ four humors.  Melancholic temperaments are doomed to a life of disappointment and slow movement despite their virtuous nature. Choleric temperaments are strong but give way easily to anger. The sanguine person is obedient and fits in well with their environment as a practice, seeking approval and avoids controversy.  Phlegmatic types are similarly adaptable, but stubborn and lazy.  These four temperaments cover a complete array of personality types, furthering the notion that the number four represents completeness.

“One significant representation of four symbology is in the representation of the four evangelists of the four winged beasts in the vision of Ezekiel, later reconstitutes in the New Testament as the four beasts of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. In the Kabbalah, there were four worlds of the Tree of Life. There are four creatures on the arms of Freemasonry, four primary mental functions according to Carl Jung, and four dimensions of modern science: length, breadth, width, and time.”

With all of this research, all of the symbolism, all of the awareness this brings and parallels drawn, what does it mean in the scheme of the loss that I suffered 4 years ago?  Though completion and home and stability and strength feel like very attractive qualities moving through 4 years of heartbreak for a senseless accident with no meaning, unfortunately, the fact that four years have passed me by without the man with whom I agreed to share the rest of my life brings me precious little solace.  However, standing with my back to four and facing year five head on feels different than previous anniversaries.  Grounded in four, I feel the elements around and beneath me; The earth under my feet.  I feel the square solidity of the new foundation upon which this life I never asked for has been built.  I feel the four roots from the Tree of Life and I am quenched by the four rivers that feed the tree.  I feel Hermes delivering my messages and his connection to the natural and mystical alchemical changes which occur over time reinforce the rooted feelings of four.  Or maybe there is none of this and all I am doing is trying to make sense of this.  What I do know, is that I have been blessed with another year on this earth, and I am making the most of it. I will continue to do so, and honor my time with love in my heart and an openness to receive it. I will continue to miss him, and honor his memory with my own actions of love and affection and presence in the world.

http://www.samuel-beckett.net/Penelope/four_symbolism.html

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spiritual-meaning-of-numbers.html

http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/4.html

http://www.crystalinks.com/numerology2.html

Thanksgiving Day

"What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I am grateful. There are so many external factors for which I am grateful, most notably are the ones that I am sure we all feel, our families, our friends, a roof over head and warm food in our bellies. But this year, I am struck with gratitude for something that feels selfish, at first, but stay with me. I am grateful for my heart. My poor, torn, battered, and beaten heart that pumps life through my veins and renews itself over and over again. My heart has been pushed to the breaking point and has come back with such resilience and sincerity and an overwhelming capacity to give and receive love. It is because of this heart, which often feels as though it is hanging by threads, that I am able to feel the wealth of gratitude I have for the aforementioned external factors in my life which contribute so generously to my life's richness. It has been in my darkest moments when my brain tells me that I can’t go on, I can’t give love away again and open myself up to such pain, that my heart steps in and reminds me that to love and be loved is worth it, and that I can and will keep giving love and accepting it in return. It is for this that I am grateful; this torn up and beaten down heart that never gives up, never breaks down, and never grows cold. With this, I wish you the happiest day, and I leave you with an invitation to push your heart to the maximum of its capacity to love and be loved. If I can do it, you can do it. Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones. I love you.

Regression

I feel like I am regressing lately.  I think about KC and the loss and the fact that I am alone almost constantly.  It has been three and a half years now and I haven't successfully dated anyone.  I have no prospects on the horizon.  I still live with my parents and I am have almost no savings.  I can't believe this is where I am right now. 

But.

Well.


This IS where I am right now.  I just finished my first year of grad school and I am lucky enough to have a family to support me while I am finishing school so I don't rack up even more debt.  I am good at my job; just because I am not getting rich, I am damn good at what I do and I positively influence kids with special needs on a daily basis.  I am very proud of that.  Yes, I think about my late fiancee a lot.  I remember him and think of him and smile and cry and I remember how well loved I was.  I miss him, and I don't know that I will ever stop missing him.  I don't think I want to stop missing him.  But I deserve to be loved.  I just need to be patient.

It's so fucking hard to be patient.

Themes and therapy.

I recently finished seven, 12-hour days of school in a row.  I am in school to get my master's in counseling psychology and hopefully get my MFT license.  The school that I chose is not your run of the mill school, but used to be named the Institute for Transformative Learning, or something like that.  Long story short, it is a hippy dippy new wave institution in which I have grown and learned a TON and I fucking love it, but it is really hard.  Like, really hard.  Not like, damn, it's tough to be in school such long hours because listening to a lecture is tough, but more like, damn, I am doing so much work on myself and I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out because I have been crying so much.

It's a lot like therapy, but it's education.

This past week I learned a lot about myself as I was pushed by a difficult person in my cohort.  A common theme came up in my life that I guess I had always known was there, but I wasn't working with or processing in any healthy way.  That theme is that good things in my life get cut short and then I shut down.

Seriously. Think about that for a hot second.

I am sure it happened before KC died, and it stands to reason that this is just a natural rhythm of life. Good things happen, bad things happen, wash, rinse, repeat.  But the shut down part, that is a problem.  It's a problem because it keeps me from having experiences and I am afraid I am missing valuable time in my life.  Maybe this is why I am not able to successfully date someone.  Maybe this is why I have only gone for unavailable men since I tried to start dating.  Maybe this is why when things start going well for me, I get ill.

What I know is that I am wasting time and I don't have much of it, so I want to make it worth something.  I don't want fear to rule my life.  I don't want to be the Debbie Downer-let's-live-like-everything-is-shit-because-eventually-we'll-all-be-dead character who I see myself becoming. I need to be able to trust people.  I need to be able to trust the world around me.  I need to believe that love is still an available option for me.  And the most salient point? I need help.  I am not healthy in the mind body soul kind of way that I want to be.  So I am looking for a good therapist. Know someone? Let me know.  I want to disrupt this theme in my life and be able to be a well-adjusted person who believes in the goodness that I do know is there. I just need to be able to tap into that and find a way to become willing to risk pain for love again.

I just wonder if that is possible.